Lost & Divided
by the Last Flowerchild
Summary: When Pickles and Toki begin sleeping with each other, Skwisgaar realizes that the time to tell Toki how he really feels is now, before it's too late.In the end, though, only one person can have Toki's heart...extreme SLASH
1. Story 1, Chapter 1

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****WARNINGS****

Slash...a lot of slash and sex.

If you're not into that, then don't read it.

This is the first of my stories where I am going to go THAT far.

I'm kind of nervous as to how people will interpret it...

_Reviews are love._

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_"Love cannot save you from your own fate."_

_-_Jim Morrision

**Chapter 1, Part 1**

_**A New Couple**_

Skwisgaar sighed as he took his seat at the breakfast table and let out a startlingly large yawn, not even bothering to cover his mouth. He hadn't slept at all last night. Nathan glanced over at him and growled, "What's wrong with you?"

"I did nots get sleep last night."

Across the table, Murderface let out a scoff and lisped, "Chea right. Don't lie, Shkwishgar. It was all thoshe German chicksh you were fucking with lasht night."

He shook his head. "No, it was not being thats. It was-"

Suddenly the door opened and Pickles stepped in with Toki following close behind. Skwisgaar glared over at them both. _It was nots the German girls, it is THAT._

Neither of the two men noticed the awkwardness, or if they did they blatantly chose to ignore it. Especially Pickles, who plopped down in the chair next to Murderface, grabbed the collar of Toki's shirt, and pulled him closer to him. He gave Toki a firm kiss on the lips said, "Hey, before you sit down would you mind getting me a beer?"

Toki nodded, "Okays. Hold ons."

"Yeah, yeah," Pickles said in an almost irritated way as he crossed his arms and sighed. "Boy, what a hell of a night. I slept _great."_

Skwisgaar had to bite his bottom lip until his eyes watered to stop himself from saying something particularly nasty to him. Who—or what—did he think Toki was? Skwisgaar shifted in his seat uncomfortably, looking down. He had come to a very startling realization, one that he hated to think about. He couldn't help thinking about it, though, not whenever he saw Toki.

He had realized that he loved Toki. He loved him more than he had loved anyone in the whole world—perhaps even himself, and this was saying a lot considering the fact that Skwisgaar was one of the more selfish members of the band. As he thought about this, he began rapping his fingers distractedly on the table, trying to think of anything else other than what he had dreamed last night. It had been wrong. _Very _wrong...

At the hungry look that Pickles was giving the innocent Toki, Nathan shuttered. He glared over at the drummer and said warningly, "Hey, quit pulling that shit at the table. It's not metal."

As Toki came back and handed Pickles his beer, he said, "Pickle, ams we still doings lunch together? Just you and mes?"

He glanced up at him, his green eyes shining with desire. "Huh? Yeah, whatever, but after the girls come over."

Murderface perked up. "Girlsh? Girlsh are coming over?"

He nodded. "Hell yeah."

Toki's face fell. "But you saids that-"

"Toki, listen, I love you and all, but sometimes I need to-"

"Love other people toos?"

Pickles frowned and anxiously glanced around at all the others sitting around the table. They watched with mixtures of curiosity and disgust as he reached over and took a firm slap to Toki's rear. He opened his arms and said, "Come on and sit in my lap."

Skwisgaar's hands curled into fists as he looked down, trying to hide the look of rage on his face. Toki unfortunately saw past this and asked as he sat down in Pickles' lap, "What wrong, Skwisgaar? Ams you sick?"

"Yeah," Nathan agreed. "sick...kinda like how I feel about this whole thing."

Murderface, who was watching Pickles and Toki closely and almost suspiciously—ever since Pickles had asked Toki out, Murderface had expressed concern in catching what he called 'The Gay'-asked, "What shituashon?"

"Oh, just let us be gettings the elephant out of the rooms now!" Skwisgaar blurted. Pickles glared over at him and took a sip from his beer.

"Yeah, I don't get the big deal that you guys are makin'," he said. "It's totally normal, what we're doing..." Just to prove a point, he turned to Toki and instructed, "Kiss me."

Toki leaned close to him but hesitated, his lips curled into a look of detest. "But you knows that I don'ts like to kiss yous after yous been drinking. It tastes likes alcohols and gross."

Pickles ignored this, however, and forced his mouth against Toki's. Neither resisted once it was done, but Toki pulled away quicker than he had the first time that Pickles had kissed him. He stuck out his tongue in a childish look of disgust and repeated, "Ugh...tastes likes alcohol."

"Mmmm..." was all that Pickles said as his hands skillfully found their way up into Toki's shirt. Everyone watched, squirming with discomfort in their seats, as he ran his hands over the firm muscles of Toki's abs. "See? I don't see what you guys are always going on about. What's your big hang-up?"

Nathan looked down and said, trying not to meet his gaze, "Listen, being gay is _not _metal."

"Okay. So?" he asked as his hands traveled a little lower, into the front of Toki's pants. Skwisgaar looked away, his heart overflowing with hatred and jealously.

"So?" he asked. "So? Sos the points is that you is breaking the band aparts!"

Nathan nodded. "Yeah, what Skwisgaar said. It's fucking sick, always having to sit here watching you touching him..."

Pickles scoffed and let his thumbs run along Toki's bare skin as his other fingers buried their way deeper into the other man's pants. "So what? I told you guys that we're...ya know, _together _now, so just get used to it."

Toki nodded and said in agreement, "Yeah, and besides, I love Pickle." he let is head rest on the drummer's shoulder. If he had been expecting a response to this, he never got one. Instead of responding, Pickles kissed the top of his head and wrapped his arms around Toki in a tight, possessive hug.

"Say, Toki?"

"Yes, Pickle?"

"Would you mind skipping breakfast for me?"

Toki frowned and arched a brow. Looking up at his lover, he asked, "Whys should I do that?"

"Because," Pickles said, leaning down and kissing his nose lightly. "I said so. Also because you know what I told you last night—about you getting fat."

"Hey, what'sh wrong with being fat?" Murderface cried from across the table. They all ignored him.

Skwisgaar watched, feeling his stomach twist in knots, as Toki nodded quickly and said, almost in a panicked way, "Yes, I dos, Pickle. You dont's wants me to gets fat, I know, I know. I'ms sort of hungries, though, so maybe just one little-"

"No." and he took another sip of beer and pressed the can into Toki's hand. "You can have some beer if you want, though."

"Oh,_ please_ don't get him drunk again," Nathan said with a sigh. Pickles glared over at him and took a sip from the can himself.

"I don't see a prablem with him bein' drunk. It's what makes him so fuckin' hot." and his hands dug their way out of Toki's pants, traveled down to the guitarist's lap, and rested there. The guitarist shifted a little and sighed in content.

This was the last straw. Skwisgaar could take it no longer. He slammed his hands against the table, got up, and said, "That's it. I'ms goings out on walk."

"No, waits! Skwisgaar, don't leaves! I needs you!"

The words made his heart turn to liquid fire and melt. Skwisgaar turned and, just out of acquired habit, glared at him. "Whys not?"

"Because," he said brightly. "You ams still having to give me guitar lesson, remember?"

And, for some stupid reason his heart filled with more warmth and Skwisgaar felt refreshed and re energized—despite what he had just seen. He motioned for Toki to follow him, saying in what he hoped was an unconcerned way, "Fines then. Let's go and give you your dildos guitar lesson."

"Wowee, reallys? Yesterdays I had to beg you to give me lesson!"

Skwisgaar's response to his childlike excitement was to roll his eyes and walk out the door, his shoulders slumped. Before following him, Toki gave Pickles one last, far too lengthy kiss on the lips. When he broke away and jumped off his lap, Pickles grabbed at his ass again and said warningly, "Remember, no eatin' till supper, okay?"

"Okays! See you later, Pickle! Loves you!" and he hurried out of the dining room and after Skwisgaar, grinning broadly.

Once he had left, Pickles shifted in his seat and let his head fall onto his hand. Nathan watched him, a brow raised and his mouth turned down in a look of utter disgust. He shuttered and looked down, muttering, "Ugh...fucking sick..."

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**Chapter 1, Part 2**

_**Toki's Lesson**_

Toki joined Skwisgaar in the living room and sat down on the couch next to him. Skwisgaar regarded him with a look of derision and asked, "So whats? I've been waiting here for what feels likes hours!"

Toki glared at him and retorted, "It has not been hour!"

He scoffed and glanced up at the T.V. "Whatevers. I'm just glad that you decided to finds it in your busy schedule to have lesson. In between fucking Pickle, it must be hard to finds the time."

Toki opened his mouth to say something, but just ended up looking down at his feet. He almost seemed ashamed as he finally said, "I don'ts understand why none of yous can just leaves us alone."

"Because it's not nice to sees him all over you all the times, dildo!" Skwisgaar said. He didn't realize that he was yelling until Toki looked at him in an alarmed way. This didn't stop him from continuing, "And Nathan ammnest taking you leaving him hards, too! Why do you gots to be such dick, always letting Pickle jack you off under the table like that? Why you gots to make it so obvious? It's..._disgusting._"

Of course, he hadn't meant to say disgusting. In his mind he thought silently, _It's so fucking nice, but horrible at the same times...to watch him touching you like that and you likeings it and me wishing I was him..._

God, he couldn't even think clearly when Toki was in the room, staring at him with those beautifully blue eyes...blue like the purest sapphires-no, _better, _one-thousand times better than the purest sapphires. They were so beautiful...

Toki's only response to these harsh words was to say quietly, "Why you cares so much what he does to me?"

Skwisgaar felt his face growing red as he said, "I do nots care, it's just that you not thinking about Nathans. You knows that you hurt him when yous ended it, but you still let Pickle-"

"I didn'ts love him like I loves Pickle; me and hims are made for each others."

The words cut into Skwisgaar so deeply that he literally winced. Yes, his heart was still beating, he observed, even though he felt it just being ripped out. He said nothing as he pulled his guitar into his lap. What he would give to have Toki laying in his lap like that guitar, staring up at him with those perfect, greyish-blue eyes, his mouth twisted up in one of his proud, childish smiles.

_God, _Skwisgaar thought as his fingers began automatically strumming at his Gibson, _he is so innocent...so not rights for Pickle..._

"What I play, Skwisgaar?"

He jumped a little at the sound of Toki's voice and asked dazedly, "Huh?"

"What ams I goings to play?"

"I...uh..." he glanced down at the work that his fingers were doing and frowned. His mind drew a blank as he said, "I...uh..." and he said the first thing that came to his mind, which was, "Paper tolls?"

Toki frowned and knitted his brows together in an absurd display of confusion. "Paper towel?" and he said offhandedly, "I can'ts have those because Pickle said I have to stay away from them carco-by-drates..." he said this more to himself than to Skwisgaar.

It didn't matter much anyway, because Skwisgaar was too busy pulling himself together. He shook himself and snapped irritably, "No, of course nots! Looks here, your fingers ammnest not even in the right place!"

Toki's fingers seemed to the guitar master to be everywhere at once. Skwisgaar wriggled his own fingers around and snapped, "Now looks where I puts mine and just follow and do what I ammnest doings."

"Like this?" he asked as he repositioned his fingers in an even worse way than before. Skiwsgaar shook his head impatiently.

"No, likes this—oh, just lets it go." and he reached forward and grabbed Toki's hands. He tried to keep his face from growing red as he positioned them on the guitar himself. Once they were in the right place, despite himself and the silent warnings that were screaming in his head, he still ran a quick finger along Toki's hand, relishing the closeness for a moment before pulling away again.

Then he cleared his throat and said with new found patience, "Okays, now let's trys again. This time don't be dildos, oka-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, one of the Klokateers walked through the room, a group of three fan girls following close behind. Upon seeing Skwisgaar and Toki sitting so casually on the couch with their guitars, the girls shrieked. They began pointing and yelling at them and giggling. The Klokateer let out a frustrated sigh and called, "Ladies, please! Master Pickles is waiting for you in the dining room! Please now, if you have another outburst like that, I'm afraid that we're going to have to take drastic measures and-"

"Oh, look how cute he is!" one of them, a skinny blond with large, nearly bare breasts said, pointing to Toki. "Toki Wartooth, marry me!"

He shook his head and blushed a little. "Um...no thanks you. I-"

"Skwisgaar, I LOVE you! Please let me have your child!" a brunette yelled. Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and glared at the Klokateer.

"Theys are disturbing me..." he began, a slight edge to his voice.

The Klokateer nodded quickly and escorted the girls into the other room. Just before the door closed the third fan girl, one with hair that was dyed red like Pickles', could be heard screaming excitedly, "Oh my God, Pickles! I love you!"

Through the thick walls of the mansion, Skiwsgaar perked up his ears and could faintly hear Pickles' response of, "Ladies, please, please, you can all have a turn. After all, we've got all day."

Once they had left the room, Skwisgaar glanced over at Toki, biting his lower lip nervously. "So...you didn't, uh...happen to hear tha-"

"Yeah, I heards." And Toki's once excited and illuminated eyes filled with sadness, hurt, and, perhaps worst of all, confusion. He swallowed hard and his eyes became overly bright. "What did I do wrongs? Ams I just not good enough..."

At the pain in Toki's voice, Skwisgaar felt his heart ripping. He scooted a little closer to Toki and said in what he hoped to be a supportive way, "No, you ammnest good enough."

"But you always saying that I is dildos."

"That's just me being you know, uh...stupids."

Suddenly Toki let out a little sob, but he immediately pressed his hands to his mouth. He turned red and lowered his head, ashamed with himself. "I...I...feels really bads inside."

"When you feels bad, so do I." Skwisgaar whispered a bit softer than he would've liked. He cleared his throat and said a bit more roughly, "Look, the lesson with the guitar and the musics ams over now." and, not knowing quite what else to say unless he wanted to spill out his whole heart, he got up and grabbed his Gibson.

Before leaving, he couldn't help but turn to Toki and say, "Uh...listen...Toki?"

"Humm?" he looked up, his eyes almost overflowing with tears.

"If you, you know, wants someone to talks to, then...you know where my rooms is."

Toki nodded and answered brokenly, "Ja, I knows where it is, but me and Pickle still ams having lunch later..."

Skwisgaar nodded. "Of course, just, you know. If you ever wants to talk, I guess you cans come and finds me."

"O-Okay. Thanks, Skwisgaar. You real pal."

Skwisgaar gave him a little smile and left the room, his heart feeling heavy with guilt and sorrow at the other man's sadness.

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**Chapter 1, Part 3**

_**The Most Pathetic Thing**_

Later that day, while everyone had gathered in the living room go unwind, Pickles came striding out of his room, smiling broadly. He plopped down on the couch with a sigh and glanced over at Toki. The guitarist was clearly trying very hard not to appear to be hurt or even noticed by Pickles. He just looked down and pickled at his nails. Pickles frowned at this.

Everyone in the room became rigid with anticipation as he called, "Hey, Toki, come here."

Skwisgaar was sitting next to Toki. They had been arguing over who should get the solo on the next album, but at the sound of Pickles' voice, everyone grew silent. Toki glanced over a Skwisgaar, a clear question in his eyes.

_What should I do?_

Skwisgaar could only swallow and turn his gaze to Pickles, who was staring at them. He repeated, "Hey, Toki, please come here."

Everyone watched as Toki turned to his lover and said, his voice full of pain, "I don't wants to be with you rights now, please."

Pickles' face fell; his grin disappeared, much to the satisfaction of Skwisgaar. "Toki, please," he begged.

Clearly he was drunk. Normally he would've just gotten up and went to meet Toki himself, but now he almost seemed cautious. Toki looked down at his half-picked nails and cleared his throat. Skwisgaar held his breath, begging that Toki would stay, but this silent wish came unanswered. The Norwegian got up and walked over to where Pickles was sitting. He collapsed onto the sofa stiffly, crossing his arms and looking away.

"You didn'ts meets me for lunch," was all he could say. Pickles scratched his head, looking quite like he didn't know what to say. His green eyes clearly showed a shared feeling of hurt and confusion.

Skwisgaar couldn't believe it. Pickles actually seemed hurt that Toki hadn't come to him immediately, that he hadn't jumped up and hugged him as soon as he had entered the room. He tried to get the lump out of his own throat as Toki continued, "And I skips breakfast for yous..."

Over in a corner of the room, Nathan let out a loud, clearly annoyed sigh and mumbled, "But you're still going to run back to him, you fucking prick..."

All Pickles had to say was, "Toki, come here."

And, not really to anyone's surprise, Toki fell into his arms and seemed to melt there. He hugged Pickles tight and buried his head in his shirt, biting back his emotions. Pickles seemed quite pleased with this as he began running his fingers through the Norwegian's long, brown hair. His other hand began caressing Toki's lower back, dangerously close to the hemline of his shirt, as he said, "I missed you today. You'll make up for it tonight."

Murderface glared over at Nathan and blurted, "Sheesh, look there, they're doin' it again! Make them shtop! It'sh dishgushting!"

"Yeah, well, don't look at it!" he yelled back before glaring at the giant T.V. Screen. Skwisgaar just continued staring at Toki, his heart filling with envy and sadness.

Why did he always run after Pickles like that? Didn't he realize how pathetic that was? Especially considering the fact that Pickles was clearly using him...suddenly, Skwisgaar felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned around and saw Nathan glaring down at him.

He motioned to the door and growled, "We need to talk."

"Abouts what?"

"Just come on."

"But I-"

"Come on!" and he began walking out of the room. Skwisgaar followed him, a look of confusion on his face.

Once they were out of the living room, Nathan turned to him and said bluntly, "You're in love with that little fucker, aren't you?"

"I...uh..." his mind raced to find an answer. In the end, under Nathan's deadly gaze, all he could manage to stupidly sputter out was, "I...uh...paper tolls?"

"Would you please just stop with the fucking paper towels? That diet thing is over!"

"Ugh...really, Nathans? In _loves_? What do you think I am?"

He swallowed and growled, "You didn't answer the question."

"Uh...right...what was it agains?"

Nathan sighed and went over to where Skwisgaar stood. "Tell me for real; do you really love that kid? Do you really love Toki?"

"I...I..."

"I swear to God, if you don't tell the truth..."

He glanced nervously at the door and said in an urgently quiet voice, "He is such dildo, but I can't helps it!"

Nathan chuckled and shook his head. "I knew it. I just fucking knew it."

"You...you're not goings to be telling him, are yous?" the guitarist asked. Nathan glared over at him and shook his head.

"Fuck no, cause I'd be a fuckin' liar if I said that I didn't love the kid too. I don't know what it is about him...he's just..."

"He ammnest just Toki," Skwisgaar observed. "There ammnest nobodies else likes him in the whole worlds, and the way Pickle treat him..." he looked down and grew silent. In the end, the best thing he could come up with to voice his feelings was, "It makes me sicks to my stomach."

"Good. You see my point," Nathan agreed as he took a step nearer to him. He leaned a little closer and began whispering urgently, "Look, I've tried to make Pickles just stop this shit because, let's face it, he's only usin' him. It's obvious, the way he always fucks with him. Like just now in the living room. It's fucking bullshit."

Skwisgaar nodded. "It needs to stops."

"Exactly. Besides, I mean, I'd rather..." Nathan sighed and looked off before saying in almost a hurt way, "...that little fucker...I'd just rather see him with you—someone who halfway cares about his sorry little ass—than with Pickles. You know what I mean? I know that I can never have him again, but maybe..."

"I cans do it," Skwisgaar said confidently. "I cans break them up for good. I wills get Toki to loves me; I _has _to, or..." his voice trailed off. Not even he was sure what exactly would happen, only that it would be bad. _Very _bad.

He loved Toki, it was that simple. He loved him and wanted to be with him always. He wanted Toki to melt in his arms, the same way that he had melted perfectly into Pickles. He sighed. One way or another, he would make sure that Toki knew how he felt.

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****A/N****

In case anyone noticed, I worked hard to make the different voices of _Dethklok _stand out-sometimes Pickles will talk oddly,

Murderface will speak with a lot of 'sh's,

And I will try to make Toki and Skwisgaar's dialects different.

I hope you like it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2, Part 1**

_**Midnight Shenanigans **_

The rest of that day passed by slowly. The highlight of it mainly consisted of Pickles carrying Toki up to his room and slamming the door shut. Though the walls of the Mordhaus were thick, sometimes wild shouts of laughter still were able to carry downstairs. Every time something like this happened, Nathan and Skwisgaar exchanged uneasy looks.

Finally, though, the time came to retire to bed. Skwisgaar went without a word. He found sleep impossible, though, and instead of staring at the pitch black nothingness of the ceiling, he stayed up until 1 o'clock strumming uselessly on his Gibson. Then, at 1:30 in the morning, something disturbed him. It was a knock at his door.

"What do yous wanting now? It's ams fucking 1 in the morning!"

"Ugh...Sk-Skwisgaar, please opens up..."

Skwisgaar's face lit up. Without any thought, he threw down his guitar and jumped to his feet. He scrambled to open the door in nothing but the black jeans that he usually wore. Nothing else. It was too late to worry about appropriate fashion. He retched open the door. Trying to act like he cared less, he asked, "Toki, what ammnest you wanting now? It's late."

Toki let out a simple, "Oh," and looked around warily. He began swaying where he stood, and he let a few strands of hair fall in his face. Oh yes, Skwisgaar knew this look well. He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Pickle ammnest letting you drinks again?"

Toki shrugged and said numbly, "Maybes."

"Well what you doing out here? Whys you got to wakes me up!"

"I...umm...your light was on..."

Skwisgaar sighed, grabbed his arm, and ushered him in. "Come on, let's gos. You are probably abouts to puke, but just don'ts do it. Just follows me to the bathroom."

Toki let out a groan, hugged himself, and closed his eyes. Without thinking, he let his head fall on the other man's shoulder. He leaned against Skwisgaar heavily as he was lead to the bathroom. "Oh, Skwisgaar, my stomach hurts so ba—ba—ugh..."

"Hold on, don'ts puke yets!"

He let Toki fall to his knees in front of the toilet. Toki began vomiting and crying at the same time in a hideous display. Skwisgaar, not knowing quite what else to do, grimaced and held Toki's hair away from his face. With his other hand he began patting him on the shoulder.

"It's okay, Toki. You's ammnest goings to live."

"I thinks that I have dranken too much..."

He scoffed. "Yeahs, you think?"

Toki just let out a wretched little sob and hugged himself tighter. It was now that Skwisgaar realized that the finely toned and muscled Norwegian was only wearing his underwear. He swallowed. What the hell was wrong with this picture?

"Skwisgaar, why I drink so much?"

"Because Pickle ams...nothings, Toki. Just try not to get this sloppies next ti-"

"He saids that the more I drinks, the better I ams," Toki whispered. "Better I ams in bed..." He was done puking now, but Skwisgaar didn't let go of his hair. He reached over and flushed the toilet a few times, though.

He knelt down next to Toki and whispered, "Listens, I'm goings to take you to bed now so yous can sleep, okay?"

"But where will yous sleep, Skwisgaar?"

"Just come ons," and he heaved Toki to his feet and caught him when he swayed dangerously. Toki leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. His head lolled and he let out a moan.

"Uhh..."

"Toki? Toki?" Skwisgaar said as he tried to get his attention. "Cans you walk?"

His response to this was to fall against him and mutter, "Pickle gave me the vodka..."

"Vodka? Straight up vodkas? What ammnest wrong with you peoples?" Skwisgaar whispered as he scooped Toki up in his arms and heaved a labored sigh. It wasn't that Toki was heavy—he was much more muscular than himself—it was just that, well, honestly Skwisgaar was not a very well-built guy. In fact, some people had dared to say that he should spend less time fucking groupies and more time getting in shape...

Then again, Pickles always had said stupid shit when he had gotten drunk...

Skwisgaar felt ten times as out of shape as he looked down at Toki's perfect, defined muscles. Thankfully Toki didn't seem to notice his venturing eyes; his blue eyes were already halfway closed as Skwisgaar placed him gently in the bed. Before closing his eyes he muttered, "Do you thinks I am okays when I don't drink?"

"Yeah, Toki. Yous ammnest great."

He flashed Skwisgaar a little smile and asked, "Umhm...how greats am I?"

"The greatest," the Swede answered, pulling the covers over him. "Now gos to bed, okay?"

"Okays, but why you not being dildo to me like normal?" Toki asked. "Did I do somethings bad? Are you mad at me or something?"

Skwisgaar shook his head. "No, I coulds never stay mads at you, little Toki. Now go to beds," and he went to flush the toilet again—three times for good luck—and smiled to himself. The only reason that he had been so nice to Toki was actually because he was drunk. The odds of him remembering this was fairly poor, he had decided, so there was no reason to throw meaningless insults at him like usual. For tonight he had nothing to hide.

Some part of him actually hoped that Toki would remember this night, so that the next time Pickles offered him a drink, he'd think of Skwisgaar. This foolish hope was quickly extinguished as he began to hear the other man's slow and steady breathing falter. In his sleep Toki let out a rather seductive little laugh and whispered lovingly, "Mmm...Pickle..."

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**Chapter 2, Part 2**

_**Death Sentence**_

The next morning Pickles came stomping into Skwisgaar's room at the early hour of nine o'clock. As soon as he had entered the room, Skwisgaar, who had slept on the floor that night, jumped a little and looked up. Pickles glared down at him.

He, like the Swede, was wearing only his pants. Not only that, but he looked _very _angry. The angriest Skwisgaar had ever seen him. "What the fuck did you do to him?"

"Uh?"

Pickles shook his head in annoyance and went over to the bed. He knelt down and pressed his hands to Toki's cheek, whispering tenderly, "Hey, wake up." and to seal the deal he leaned forward and delivered a firm, deep kiss on his lips.

"Hmm...Pickle?" Toki opened his eyes and blinked rapidly. He let out a yawn and looked around, scratching his head. "Where ams I?"

"Not important. Come on," and Pickles wrapped his arms around Toki and scooped him up into his arms. Toki let out a tired moan and his arms fell around the drummer's neck. As Pickles carried him out of the room, the drummer narrowed his eyes at Skwisgaar and said coldly, "We're gonna talk later."

"Wait!" and Toki pulled away from him and said to the guitarist, "Thanks, Skwisgaar. You real pal. And also, I thinks that you is secretly the greatest toos." and he flashed him a beautifully perfect smile. Pickles hugged him closer and walked out the room.

Once he was alone Skwisgaar looked around and let his head fall into his hands. What had he done? If Toki remembered what he had said last night, then...well then maybe he was going to tell Pickles. Skwisgaar didn't know for sure, but he could take a fair guess and say that Pickles was a fairly jealous guy. _He _could fuck other people, but Toki? Absolutely out of the question.

Deep in his stomach Skwisgaar felt his worry growing. What would Pickles do to him?

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**Chapter 2, Part 3**

_**The Truth **_

Once Skwigaar had managed to drag himself out of his room and into the kitchen for breakfast, word had already gotten around Mordhaus about Toki's midnight drunkenness. As soon as Skwisgaar took his seat, Murderface began hurling question after question at him, each one more perverted than the last.

"Did you really let him shleep in your bed?"

Skiwsgaar sighed, let his head rest on his hand, and answered dully, "Uh, yeah."

"And you got him drunk?"

"Of course nots!"

"Picklesh shaysh-"

"Pickle ammnest idiot."

"Huh." was all that Nathan had to say to this. Though he seemed bitter at Skwisgaar for having had Toki alone all night, he still appeared to be a small bit triumphant at the fact that Pickles was in such a fury. Then he entered the room, holding Toki's hand and gave Skwisgaar a deadly glare. "Hey, uh...would you guys mind?"

"Mind what?" Murderface asked.

Pickles rolled his eyes and motioned to the door. "Getting out?"

"Why would we do that?"

"Just come on already!" Nathan blurted as he rose from his seat and went out the door. Murderface took one last glance at the angry look on Pickles' face then hurried out of the room as well.

Then Pickles turned to Toki and said, "Hey, would you mind leaving us a bit?"

He looked down and asked quietly, "Whys? Did I do somethings wrong?"

"Of course not."

"Then why-"

"Look, just go. I'll come and see you in a quick minute, okay?"

Toki shrugged and let Pickles give him a kiss on the cheek before heading out the kitchen. Once he had left, Pickles let out a chuckle and sat down at the table. Without thinking, he reached for the beer that Murderface had left and took a deep drink of it before saying, "It's kinda like raising a kid sometimes or something."

Skwisgaar arched a brow. "Huh?"

"Being with Toki," Pickles said brightly, "it's like raising a little kid sometimes, but it's worth it. He's really fucking great—there's no one else like him, you know."

"Ya, I know."

"Then why are you tryin' to take him away from me?"

"I...uh..." and for yet another time, Skwisgaar couldn't find anything to say. He just sat there, looking down and repeating, "I...umm..."

"You do know what I mean, don't you? Everyone knows now...everyone _but _Toki," he continued. Oddly enough, Pickles seemed calm now. He explained himself coolly and smartly. This didn't help Skwisgaar's tumbling stomach, though.

"That's what I don't want to happen, 'cause like I said, he's like a kid; I think...well, let me be honest here," Pickles said, rubbing his nose a little and scooting towards Skwisgaar. He said in a quiet voice, "I think that I really don't ever, _ever _want to see you staring at me again when I am doing anything to him—you know, touching, kissing, hugging. Anything."

"But I don'ts!"

He shook his head, scoffed, and drank some more beer. "Don't fuck with me or try to feed me any of that bullshit. I see you and Nathan staring at us every time we so much as say one word to each other. Honestly, it pisses me off."

"Then why are yous such dildo?"

Pickles arched one of his pierced brows and asked, "Excuse me?"

Skwisgaar swallowed and said with some difficulty, "Then why ammnest you always slapping at hims ass and makings him drink and jacking him off under the table and...and..." _Jackings him off under table, _he thought with some bitter amusement. _Little bit of exact-hermiation_[1]_, but still..._

"What the fuck do you care what I do with him?"

"Because I loves him too!"

Pickles laughed and said coldly, "Please, you must be an idiot if you think that I'm gonna take _your _advice on relationships. When was the last time you fucked anyone because you loved 'em?"

Skwisgaar didn't have an answer for this. Instead he said, "Looks, I just wants him to be happy-"

"He _is! _With me!"

"-but how cans he be when you treat him like hired whore?"

Pickles' eyes grew wide. He threw his beer onto the ground, jumped up, and yelled so loudly that his Wisconsin-accented voice echoed, "A whore? You think that I treat him like a whore? You're Skwisgaar Skwigelf, the biggest man-whore on the planet!"

"I'ms just sayin's the truth, Pickle."

"Yeah, well you wanna know what I think of your 'truth'?"

He looked up at him and asked, "Yeah, whats?"

"I think fuck you!" and he went stomping to the door, but before he left the kitchen, he hesitated and said, "Oh, and by the way, I'm serious. I don't want you fucking him up. He's _mine._"

And he slammed the door. Skwisgaar couldn't help but begin to laugh at this and say, "We'll see abouts that, Pickle. We'll see."

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 2, Part 4**

_**The Big Deal**_

In the end, Skwisgaar went and rejoined the rest of the band in the living room. And, not to his surprise, Toki was laying with his head in Pickles' lap. He didn't bother wasting even a second to take this scene in, however, because Pickles was already giving him one of his malicious half-smiles as his hand traveled lower, to the crotch of Toki's pants.

_That stupids fucker! _Skwisgaar thought to himself as he plopped down on the couch beside Nathan. _He ammnest doings it again!_

Toki just regarded Pickles' playful gropes as just that—play. He shifted his hips, forcing himself into Pickles' hand a little more, and smiled a little, muttering, "Hmm...Pickle."

Skwisgaar let out a sigh and stared intently at the T.V. The only voice that could be heard besides Pickles whispering to Toki was Murderface saying, "Sho what? Shkwishgaar's not sheelping with Tok-"

"Nothing happened, mother-douche bag." Pickles broke in as he squeezed Toki roughly. The Norwegian's eyes grew wide and he let out a pleasured, surprised gasp.

"Pickle, why you-"

"Just sshh and let me touch you for a while."

"But I-"

"Shut it."

Toki knitted his brows together, as though he had to think about what Pickles meant by this. Finally he tried to say, "Okays, but-"

"Ain't ya heard me? I said _shut it."_

Skwisgaar bit his tongue and looked down, his hands trembling. He was able to sneak a glance over at Nathan, who was glaring intently at the T.V. screen and biting his lip so much that a little blood was trickling down his chin. Skwisgaar did the same, but when he heard Pickles whisper something and Toki begin to giggle, he could stand it no more.

"You have a really nice ass. Have I ever told you that?"

"Yeah, Pickle, you do..." he laughed a little.

_That's it...he was going to explode..._

Pickles snickered as well and rolled over so that he was straddling Toki. He kissed him and pressed his hips close against the other man's. He leaned close and whispered, "Hmm...you're a good kisser now that I've taught you how to do it."

"Yous ams to."

_...utterly EXPLODE..._

Pickles chuckled and gave Toki a little kiss before saying softly, "Would you mind goin' and getting me a beer?"

"That's it! I can'ts stands it no more!"

Everyone turned and stared at Skwisgaar as he jumped to his feet, chest heaving, his eyes casting a deadly look at Pickles. The drummer just turned to him and pressed his body a little closer to Toki's. "Can't stand what no more?"

And suddenly Skwisgaar understood what he had done. Pickles had _wanted _him to have an outburst, that had been the whole point of his behavior. Just to make him admit his feelings for Toki, right here and now...but why? Hadn't he just said that he didn't want Toki to know? Maybe it was because that if Toki found out right now he'd never even consider Skwisgaar...he'd reject him forever...it would be the most embarrassing moment in the guitarist's life...

"What?" Pickles inquired in a seemingly innocent way, "What can't you stand no more?"

"I...uh...I's was just sayings that I could be...be hungry..."

Toki's eyes lit up as he tried to wriggle away from Pickles. "Oh, wowee, me toos. Can you gets me—"

"Toki follow me upstairs," Pickles broke in suddenly, casting a nervous glance at Skwisgaar.

_Why he looks at me like that? It's like he thinks that if I has one moment alone with Toki I's will tells Toki that I loves him..._

And a slow, devious smile spread across Skwisgaar's face as he said, "Sure, Tokis. What ammnest you wants?"

"Cookies and ice cream and-"

"What about pop-sckakles?"

"Yeah, popstickles!" Toki exclaimed excitedly.

Pickles actually looked worried. He swallowed and fell into Toki's arms. "Let's go upstairs..."

Toki's eyes became wide as he looked down at him. "Now? Buts I ams hungry!"

"And I'm horny, so come on." and he hopped off of Toki and pulled the Norwegian to his feet. He kissed him one more time before leading him up the stairs. "I'll give you something to eat, alright."

And Toki seemed to forget food altogether as he exclaimed, "Okays! Then you do me, right?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever."

And they disappeared upstairs. Once they had left Nathan let out an angry yell and shoved Skiwsgaar so hard that he was pushed several feet backwards. The guitarist frowned and asked obliviously, "What's did I do?"

"Just...never mind. You wouldn't get it anyway," and Nathan got up and walked out the living room.

"Hey, where are you going?" Murderface called after him. "Don't pull that shit now! Look, Tokish jusht went up with Picklesh, what'sh the big deal?"

"The big deal is shut the fuck up," he mindlessly retorted as he went out the door. Skwisgaar frowned.

How could things get any worse? Toki was unintentionally tearing the band apart.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

****A/N****

_[1] exact-hermiation_

_::exaggeration::_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3, Part 1**

_**The Perfect Gift**_

Once the dust had settled and the sun had just begun to set at Mordhaus, Toki managed to track Skwisgaar down. As soon as he saw the guitarist sitting there in front of the computer, looking at some X-rated pictures, he grinned and hurried over.

"Heys, Skwisgaar. What ams you doing?"

"Uh," was his only, thoughtless response as he 'X'd out the window and turned to him. "What do you wants now, little Toki?"

"Well...it secret."

His eyes lit up as he asked with a bit more life to his voice, "What? What you want to do?"

Toki cast a nervous glance at the door to the room, leaned close to him, and whispered delightedly, "It secret for Pickle-" Skwisgaar literally felt his heart stop beating for a moment and turn to ice. "-it ams almost our six month anniversary, and Is wants to gets him gift."

"Oh. Okays." and he sighed and became gloomy again. He motioned for Toki to pull up a chair. Once he had, Skwisgaar brought back up the internet and went to Google. As he typed in the key search words, Toki's smile faded somewhat and he lowered his brow.

"Skwisgaar?"

"Uh?"

"Why do yous look at so many pictures of nakeds peoples?

"Why you so curious? What happen to Pickle?"

"He says he likes to sees me nakeds," Toki commented as he let his head rest on his hand. It had been said offhandedly, not meant to offend or bring attention to anything. He was just making an observation. Perhaps that's why it cut Skwisgaar so deeply.

He was able to shrug it off, though, and say to Toki, "Yeah, right...anyways, let's starts looking and you can tells me what you like."

"Wowee!" Toki exclaimed as he scooted a little closer to the Swede. "This ams going to be fun!"

"Yeah," he said dully. "Real blast."

After a few hours of searching, they came up with nothing. Skwisgaar asked irritably, "We can'ts just keep lookings around randomly! What do Pickle haves that we can't get hims?" Toki's face twisted in thought. Skwisgaar sighed and asked dully, "What is a one thing that he doesn't haves?"

"I...umm..."

Unable to think of anything else to do, Skwisgaar clicked mindlessly on a link. It brought up a picture of a pair of shining, crystal drumsticks. Under it the picture there was a caption of, _LIMITED EDITION SOLID DIAMOND DRUMSTICKS [gold engraving optional]_

Toki's eyes grew wide. As soon as he saw this, he jumped up out of his seat, pointed at the monitor, and began chanting, "SKWISGAAR, WE GOTS TO GET HIM THOSE! We just gots to! Can you imagine hims face when he gets it? He will loves it! And we have to makes them say, _For Pickle, from Toki. I loves you._ That's what they they haves to say, okay, Skwisgaar? Can you makes them do that? Please, please, please?" he grabbed Skwisgaar's arm and began shaking it.

"Okay! Shut it, Toki!" Skwisgaar exclaimed as he ripped his arm from Toki's grip and clicked the _Rush Order _button. After that was done, he 'X'd out the screen and said, "There; now they wills be here in a few days, so just try not to have heart-tack from 'dat, okay?"

Toki just nodded and hugged Skwisgaar so tightly that he tought he felt his ribs splinter. "Toki, I-"

"You real pal, really you am. Thanks you so much, Skwisgaar!" and, without thinking, he kissed the Swede on the forehead and ran out the room, laughing like a kid who had gotten a good test grade. Once he had left, Skwisgaar let out a little sob and let his head fall into his hands.

Six fucking months? When had that happened? When had Toki blocked out the rest of the world and just began focusing on Pickles?

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 3, Part 2**

_**The Diamond Drumsticks**_

The day of Toki and Pickles' grand six-month anniversary arrived. Along with it came the package. Toki was able to get it without the drummer suspecting a thing, and during breakfast he came striding into the kitchen looking delighted. Pickles barley glanced up at him as he entered.

"Hey, Bumblebee. What's up?"

Bumblebee. It was a stupid nickname that Pickles had taken to calling the childish Norwegian. Skwisgaar hated it. _He AMMNEST NOT a fuckings bumblebee..._he would think bitterly. Toki, however, really didn't see a problem with it, and on that particular morning, he hurried over to Pickles, threw his arms around his neck, and presented him with the badly wrapped gift.

Pickles chuckled cluelessly and glanced around the room, at his other band mates for help. When none of them offered him anything he turned back to Toki, took the gift, and said awkwardly, "Yeah...right...why are you giving me this again?"

Toki's face fell and he turned red. Trying to speak quietly, afraid to let the other Dethklok members in on his shame, he whispered, "It ams our six-month anniversary today!"

"Oh...oh yeah, right...I...um...thanks?"

"You forgots!"

Pickles was quick to shake his head. "No I didn't!"

Toki's eyes filled with tears as he blurted, "You forgets and now you am lyings about it!"

"No I'm not! I love this gift thingy, really! I didn't forget nothin'!"

"Oh yeah? Then what you's get me?" he asked, biting his lower lip and struggling not to cry. Pickles opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again, his green eyes shining with desperation.

"I...uh..."

"Pickle, why you hate me?"

"I don't-"

"I trys, I really do, but I just don't know anymore..."

"Can't I at least open it?" he asked.

Over at the table Nathan let out a bitter chuckle and muttered, "Un-fucking believable."

"Yeah, what's a douche," Skwisgaar agreed. The fact was that he thought of Pickles as more than a douche. He just wanted to jump up, give Toki a kiss, tell him that everything would be fine, then stab the butter knife that he was using to slit the drummer's throat...

"I don'ts care no more!" but Toki didn't leave. He just stood there, glaring down at Pickles. Tears were now openly streaming down his face as Pickles opened the box and took out the pair of diamond drumsticks. His eyes lit up and he gasped.

"Oh my...Toki, what the hell? How the fuck..."

"They were last pair."

"I..."

"Engraving on side," was all he could manage to say as he tried to wipe the tears from his face. Skwisgaar shook his head in disgust. Why didn't Toki just walk out right now and leave Pickles? He didn't know. It didn't matter, not as the red-haired man turned the drumsticks around and began to read.

"For Pickle, from Toki." and his eyes grew wide as he sputtered, "I loves you. Ferever." of course, it really didn't _say _'ferever', that was just how Pickles pronounced it. Once he had read it, Murderface made a sick gagging noise and pressed his hand to his mouth.

"That'sh fucking shick!"

"Shut it," Nathan growled. He moodily began stabbing at his eggs with his fork. Skwisgaar just felt his whole body grow numb as Toki began to sob and cry pitifully.

"But you don't care! You never cares!"

"No, wait, I do-"

"You only cares abouts jacking me offs under the table and kissing me on couch and...and..."

Was it Skwisgaar's imagination or was Toki using his exact words?

"Toki-" was all Pickles could manage to say.

"You's forgets..."

"-I DO LOVE YOU, OKAY?"

"...you always forgets..."

Pickles let out an annoyed sigh and yelled so loudly that it echoed throughout the dining room, "LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PISS OFF ALREADY? All you ever do is complain when I don't remember _every little thing! _I don't know what to do no more! Just leave me alone!"

That was it. That was all it took to make Skwisgaar leap up out of his seat, take Pickles by the collar of his shirt, and punch him as hard as he could in the mouth. "You stupid motherfuckers! You don'ts know what you ammnest talking about! Toki great! Toki the greatest! _You _ammnest the stupid, dildo-fucking bitch!"

As soon as he did this, he felt a dozen hands trying to pry him away from Pickles. Nathan was shouting in his ear, "Skwisgaar, what the fuck are you doing? Let him go!"

"Please, let's him go, let's him go, Skwisgaar! He didn't means to, he just drunk! He always drunk! Look, on table, he has beer can! That's all it is, just drunk!" He let Murderface throw him back into his chair. Toki was staring down at him with fearful, teary eyes. "Skwisgaar, why you do that?"

"Because I...I..." and suddenly he realized that everything was about to come crashing down on him. He felt his face turned red, and as he tried to say something else, a fist collided with the side of is face.

Pickles voice would be heard saying, "You want to hit me, motherfucker? I'll fuck you up, you cock-sucking douche!"

He couldn't be sure, but just before everything faded to black, Skwisgaar thought he got in a few more hits on Pickles...but he wasn't sure...he just kept taking punches and kicks to the stomach, to the face. He felt his brain rattle, his nerves scream, but none of it mattered.

No, because at that moment Toki was the only thing that mattered.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 3, Part 3**

_**Awakened**_

He heard a voice...

...a beautifully wonderful voice...

...so perfect in every way...

...no, _better _than perfect...

...it was—

"Hmm...Toki?"

Skwisgaar opened his eyes and let out a grunt. The whole right side of his face was pounding, and as he went to sit up, he felt himself grow dizzy. He was in the living room now, laying on the floor. A few feet away from him, sitting upright on the couch, was Pickles. He had an ice pack pressed to the side of his head. When his green eyes met Skwisgaar's blazing blue ones, he looked away.

Next to the drummer Toki hovered, looking worried. "Pickle? Pickle, ams you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I'ms so sorrys. I just got carried away. It was stupids. I-"

_He acts like was one who hit Pickle, _Skwisgaar couldn't help but thinking.

The only voice that could be heard in the room was Pickles saying, "Ssh, just come here." He held his arms open wide and let Toki fall into them. He closed his eyes and let his head rest on the other man's shoulder. "I love the sticks, Toki. Thank you so much." he sighed and squeezed him tighter to him. "God, you're really perfect...I get that now..." and his voice trailed off.

There was something new about it now, Skwisgaar felt. Even in the tone of his voice. It almost seemed like Pickles was beginning to take Toki seriously. It almost seemed like—well, it almost seemed like he finally understood just how serious Skwisgaar loved the other man. Now there wasn't the slightest hint that he was taking him for granted.

Nathan sat next to Skwisgaar, picking at the black nail polish on his nails. "Hey, Skiwsgaar, listen," he whispered in a nearly inaudible tone. "Toki knows...he knows that you—you-"

"Pickle told him?"

"Yeah, he did."

He nodded. "Uh, yeah. Okays." and he glanced back over at Pickles and Toki. They hadn't broken apart yet. Pickles was holding him so tight, like he thought if he let go even a little bit—even an inch—Toki would drift away forever, into some invisible sea.

"I love you, Toki. I love you."

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 3, Part 4**

_**Made Anew**_

Hours later, once everyone was back on their feet, Skwisgaar managed to track down Pickles. He was, conveniently enough, raiding the fridge for any form of alcohol. Upon seeing the red-haired drummer there, drinking deeply from a bottle, he went to turn around. All the courage seemed to flee from him. A voice stopped him, though.

"Hey, uh...Skwisgaar?"

"What?"

"I...I'm...well...I really don't know what I am."

"I don't have to tell yous what I think." and he went to walk away again, but Pickles stopped him again.

"Hey, wait. We really need to talk. I-"

"Fine, ya, let's talk." and Skwisgaar turned around, his face just as red as Pickles' hair. "Let's talk about how you told Toki how I loved him. Why not let's talk abouts that? Huh? Why not lets us be talkings about how you was such dildo to Tokis. Let's talks about that!"

"I admit it, I was a fucking prick," Pickles agreed, putting some of the bottles down on the counter and closing the door to the fridge. "Look, I know what I done was wrong. I apologized to the kid, okay? I changed. I-"

"He tries to be good, but you throws it back at hims always!" and he looked down at his boots and asked, "What ammnest you doing down here anyways? Where ammnest Toki?"

"Upstairs waitin' for me. I was just gettin' some beer."

"You ams getting your own beer?"

He nodded. "Yeah, who else am I gonna get to do it?"

Skwisgaar swallowed. "Ammnest he mentioned me?"

"I think that you two should talk." was all that he said.

This took him by surprise. So much so that his blue eyes met Pickles' bright green ones. "When?"

"I don't know, but not now. We need to make up." and with that, Pickles loaded the bottles into his hands again and went out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4, Part 1**

_**The Choice**_

Skwisgaar didn't see Toki again that day. That night, however, was a different story. Just as he had settled down and was lying in bed, there came a knock at his door. "Who whoever it is will please be going away now! I ammnest busy sleeping!"

"But youse am awake." came the voice of Toki.

Skwisgaar gasped and jumped out of his bed. Like he had before, he hurried to unlock his door and throw it open. His stomach bubbling with nervousness he asked, "Why ammnest you here?"

Toki, who was standing with his hands in his pockets, looked down. "Pickle tell me. He tell me everything."

"Oh. I, uh-"

"We needs to talk."

He nodded and stepped aside. Toki walked in to his room and looked around uneasily. "Do you have place wheres I can sit down?"

"Ja, I-"

"That _not _the bed."

Skwisgaar bit his lower lip a little and felt his face turn red. He motioned down and muttered, "No, onlys the floor. Sorry."

"That okay," Toki said as he plopped down on the floor. He patted the ground next to him and said in a cheerful way, a cute smile on his face, "Come. Sit."

Skwisgaar closed the door and obeyed without question. Once he was sitting next to Toki, he heard the Norwegian let out a wistful sigh. "Listen, Toki," he began. "I-"

"Ssh." and Skwisgaar jumped a little as he felt the weight of Toki's head rest on his shoulder. The other man let himself lean heavily against the Swede. He pressed close and grabbed for his hand. Skwisgaar let him take it, though a sense of doom was closing in on him, making him breathe hard.

"T-Toki, Is-"

"Skwisgaar, Pickle tell me. He tell me _everything._"

He nodded and responded hoarsely, "Ja, you keeps saying that."

Toki looked up at him, his pale blue eyes seeming to scan over every inch of his face. He said in a careful, soft whisper, "I kind of likes what he tell me."

He felt his breath catch in his throat. He leaned closer to the other man, not realizing it. Toki pulled away, however, a nanosecond before Skwisgaar's lips met his own. He looked down and said a bit more seriously, "But I can'ts do it with yous...I kind of wants to...I am so curious what we would be like together...but I can'ts."

"I, uh, figured that you'd say thats," Skwisgaar said with a heavy sigh. "I knew Pickle had you wrapped around hims finger."

Toki gave his hand a squeeze. "I loves him so much. I can'ts hurt him like that..." Skwisgaar closed his eyes tight, bracing himself for the pain of rejection. That pain never came, however. Instead, Toki whispered, "But I haves to know, because I loves you both, I think. I haves to know who I love more; who I wants to spend my life with."

Skwisgaar nodded, but still didn't open his eyes. Instead he asked, "How ammnest you goings to figure out who you loves more?"

"Simple." and a small, incredibly sweet and innocent smile spread across Toki's face as he leaned closer. "Touch me."

"I...whats?"

"Take your hands like this-" and Toki guided Skwisgaar's hands to his own face and whispered, "-and just touch me."

"B-But I-"

"You don'ts wants to?"

He quickly shook his head, his hands still cupping Toki's face. "No, no, I dos. So badlys, but I just...I can't..."

"You ever touched lady before?" Toki inquired. His question was met with a curt nod. "Good," he said, "Then just dos to me what you am doing to them."

"Toki, I..." Skwisgaar's voice trailed off as he looked into the Norwegian's beautiful eyes and saw that he was just as scared as himself. Then he chuckled and let his hands gently run across the smooth skin of Toki's face. He laughed, despite himself. "You feels good..."

And then his skilled hands traveled lower and lower. _I've gots to do it...I've gots to feel him like Pickle do..._

And the well callused skin of his fingers slipped up inside Toki's shirt, making the man let out a sharp gasp. Skwisgaar looked up, alarmed. "Whats-"

"Your hands—they feels so _nice._" Toki said, panting. "Touch me more."

Skwisgaar hesitated. "Ammnest Pickle knowing what we are-"

"I'll tells him...just please...I haves to figure it out. I haves to figure out who I wants to love." Toki said this as almost a plea. "Help me, Skwisgaar. I needs you more than anything."

"Just holds on. There's something that I wants to do first." and Skwisgaar leaned closer to Toki—so wonderfully close—and slowly let his lips weld their way against the other man's. Toki let out a desperate little moan as he kissed him, demanding more.

Soon the first kiss escalated into the removing of shirts, then pants. Finally, once Toki and Skwisgaar were staring at each other in their underwear, Toki let himself fall into the Swede's arms. He wound his fingers into the other man's blond hair and smiled down at him. Skwisgaar rewarded this with a kiss.

Suddenly Toki pulled away, though, and reached over for his shirt. Shaking his head, he breathed, "I can nots do this..."

Skwisgaar felt his heart sinking, crashing into nothingness, as he stared at him and asked, "But why nots? Ammnest you loves me?"

"That not the problem," he said as he got up and began pulling his pants on. "The problem ams Pickle. I...I just can't..."

"I...I understands..." and Skwisgaar hugged himself and looked down. Toki watched this sad display and frowned.

He leaned down and gave the Swede one last, long kiss on the lips before whispering in broken English, "I ams will be back."

Skwisgaar arched a brow and watched as Toki hurried out the door. "But what ammnest you-"

And the door slammed. Skwisgaar was alone again.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 4, Part 2**

_**One Chance**_

Toki slammed the door to Pickles' room and leaned against it, breathing heavily. He could still feel Skwisgaar's impossibly perfect fingers running over him, making him hot. He had a sudden urge to come, but was able to hold it off when he saw the look on Pickles' face.

"So...ah..." he trailed in his odd, Wisconsin dialect. "...you guys...made up or whatever?"

Toki could only nod and gasp, "Ja, we did."

The drummer nodded. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. When his amazingly green eyes met Toki's cool blue ones, he looked down at his hands and sighed. "Uh huh. So you guys are cool now, right?"

The Norwegian shrugged. "I guess sos."

"Mmhm."

Toki went and tentatively sat next to him. He knew that Pickles could sense something was wrong. He didn't know how, but he knew. "Umm...Pickle?"

"Huh?"

"We made up."

Pickles nodded. "Yeah, okay. You said 'dat already."

"Ands we..."

He shook his head and said painfully, "Oh, I knew it. Here it comes..."

Toki swallowed and admitted, "And wes kissed."

Pickles just nodded. He tried to hide the obvious hurt in his voice as he asked, "Uh huh, okay. What else?"

"Nothings, that was it!"

"You swear?"

Toki nodded. "Yeah, I swears."

There was a moment of silence before Pickles scratched his head and closed his eyes. He breathed, "Oh, Jesus..." and let his head fall into his hands. Toki frowned and leaned a little closer to him. He gave him a quick, cautious kiss on the cheek and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"What ams wrong, Pickle?"

"I knew it would happen, I just knowed it..."

"You knows what would happens?"

"You fallin' in love with Skwisgaar." Toki said nothing. Pickles sniffled a little and wiped at his nose. Despite how much he had mentally told himself not to, he had actually begun to tear up. The stupid, selfish Swede. It was like every girl he had tried to bring home..._he stole them all! _Just because he could. Just because he was Skwisgaar Skwigelf, he thought he owned everything. Pickles cleared his throat and continued, "Just tell me one thing, and don't bullshit me. Did you _like _it when he kissed you?"

He hesitated for a moment before saying quietly, "Yeah, I dids."

Pickles pulled away from Toki. He laid down on the bed and rolled over, so that he wasn't facing the other man as he said, "I just don't get it...I mean, I know that I treated you like shit for a while, but I said I was sorry-"

"And I forgaves you."

"-and I told you why, didn't I?"

Toki stared at him and shook his head. "No, you ams only having said, 'Toki, looks, I ams sorry for fuckings around so much, but I was just horny'. That's all yous said to me."

Pickles chuckled and said bitterly, " 'Den I guess I had this comin', didn't I?"

"No, Pickle, I-"

"Look, just let me explain." and he rolled over so that Toki could see his face. It was full of agony, guilt, and pain. "I ain't gonna try to hold in nothing. I shouldn't have to with you. The truth is that I love you, Toki, but sometimes it's just like...I ain't never had...nobody's ever..." and he shook his head and tried again. "How can I explain this? I love you, but I just don't know how to show it, cause the biggest affection I was ever shown was my father, when he told me I belonged in a fuckin' garbage can. That's the most anyone's ever given me. Do you get it?"

God, why couldn't he explain it right? Maybe it was because he himself didn't even know what it meant..

Toki seemed to get it, though, and blue eyes flitted off into space as he admitted, "I ain'ts never know loves, either, Pickle, but I knows I loves you and Skwisgaar."

Pickles stared at him for a moment before reaching over and running his hands through the Norwegian's soft, brown hair. "This ain't right, what I'm doin' to you."

"Whats you mean?"

"Listen, I...I don't want to—it's gonna fucking tear me apart—but I have to let you, ya know, make your own choice..."

Toki felt his heart begin to pound quickly as he whispered, his eyes wide with childish curiosity, "What?"

Pickles leaned forward and kissed him. He didn't pull away as he said, "I gotta let you go to Skwisgaar...I gotta let you have a night with him to find out." he said with a breaking voice and an out-of-place half-smile, "Ya know, just let your heart fall in the right place."

Toki wanted to say yes, to rush back into Skwisgaar's arms, but instead he found himself saying with tears rolling down his cheeks, "Oh nos, Pickle! I could never-"

"Look, just go. You know you gotta do it."

"But things will never bes the same after this..."

Pickles chuckled bitterly. "Yeah, I guess not, but they ain't the same now, are 'dey?"

He was still close to Toki's face. So close that the Norwegian could smell the vodka and booze on his breath. It smelled nice, though. It reminded him of the natural, warm comfort that Pickles brought him. Toki's heart filled with love as he squeezed the drummer tight in his arms in a hug.

"I loves you so mu-"

"Hey, take this and just go, okay? Go."

Toki delivered one last, loving kiss on his lips before rolling off the bed and running out the door. Pickles watched him go and stared at the door a long time after he'd left. Finally he looked away, grabbed a half empty vodka bottle from the nightstand beside the bed, and took a deep sip from it.

"Gonna get drunk," he said with tears beginning to run down his face in slow, steady streams. "Gonna get so fucking drunk that _no one _will be able to wake me up..."

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 4, Part 3**

_**The Only Night That Mattered**_

Toki burst through the door to Skwisgaar's room and launched himself into the Swede's arms, crying loudly, "Skwisgaar, I tolds him!"

The Swede's eyes widened and for one fearful second he expected Pickles to burst through the door and shoot him or something. "Whats the fucks did yous do?"

"He saids that we could haves one night."

"What the fucks did you—wait, whats?"

Toki grinned and repeated delightedly, "One nights, he saids, to get my heart in the right place."

Skwisgaar's eyes widened and he asked cluelessly, "What? Why would he gives you up?"

This question was met with one of Toki's long, passionate kisses and, "I don'ts knows, but I thinks that I loves you both."

Skwisgaar gasped as he felt Toki's hands begin to pull at his belt. He swallowed and asked, "Toki, what ams you-"

"I wants more of you to see."

Skwisgaar was silent for a moment, but only out of shock. He had never heard the Norwegian talk like this before. It was a side of Toki that he had never seen. Is this the Toki that Pickles knew? If it was, Skiwsgaar could see just why he loved him so much. "Toki, ammnest I ever having told you just how great you are?"

He arched a brow and asked in his sweet, childish voice, "How greats?"

Skwisgaar kissed him and whispered, "The greatest."

And when he pulled away, Toki caught him and said, "Skwisgaar, please. I needs more of this—of you."

"What ammnest you sayings, Toki?" Skwisgaar asked in a dangerous, urgent whisper. "Ammnest you saying that you wants me to fucks you?"

He gave an immediate nod. "Please, Skwisgaar. I wants you so badly..."

"Toki, I..."

"...I...I thinks that I loves you."

Skwisgaar's heart became a hot burst of liquid fire and he felt a lump forming in his throat. This was like every wonderful dream he had ever had, except better, because now Toki was really on top of him, begging for sex. This was real. This was his chance. He would be stupid not to take it.

"Damns it, Toki, you ammnest just so beautiful," he said before getting to his feet. Toki's eyes grew wide with concern as he watched Skwisgaar walk off.

"Where you going? I did something wrong?"

"No, dild—" how could he almost call him a dildo? Now? What was wrong with him? "-no, my Toki. I was just getting bed ready." and Skwisgaar went and took a half glance at the bed—_his _bed.

He had fucked so many women in that bed. It was like a sex altar. He shook his head and glanced back down at Toki, at his gorgeous, shining blue eyes and the little, shy smile he was giving Skwisgaar. Did he really want to have him like _that? _

"Skwisgaar, why you look at your bed likes that?"

"I was just...uh..." and he didn't finish his sentence as he went over, scooped Toki up in his arms, and carried him over to the bed. "...just thinkings how beautiful you ammnest goings to look naked."

The last pieces of their clothing were thrown off as they climbed into the bed together. Surprisingly, Skwisgaar was tense as he stared at Toki. Never before had he felt so exposed, so utterly and desperately human. Was this love? Was it lust? He didn't have slightest clue. The two things seemed to have somehow gotten mingled and mixed together the second he had kissed Toki. Whatever it may be, it certainly was _something._

"You...uh...wants me to fucks you now?"

Toki giggled and nodded, reaching out to him. He tucked some of Skwisgaar's hair behind his ear delicately and whispered back, "Ja, I wants you to so bads."

"Mmm." was his only response as he rolled over on top of Toki and sat over him. He flipped his head, trying to get his hair out of his face, before he leaned down and kissed him. Toki let his eyes travel down to the Swede's erection and grinned.

"You knows what Pickle taught me?"

"Huh?" He hated to think of Pickles now, but surely the drummer must have shown Toki _something _particularly delicious. Skwisgaar smiled and gently ran his hand along the hard muscles of Toki's abs. "What ammnest he teach you?"

"Might make you cum," Toki warned. "Makes him cum."

"Just dos it, please." Skwisgaar was surprised at the longing, desperate desire in his voice. Toki seemed to like it, though, as he reached down and grabbed Skwisgaar's cock.

The Swede let out a shutter as Toki began running his hands along his length and stroking. His thumb skillfully touched the head. As his hand pumped, Skwisgaar let out a groan and let his head fall back. "Oh, Toki..."

_Might make you cum..._the words ran thorough his head again and his heart filled with fear. Just as he felt himself about to utterly give way to his desire, he slapped away Toki's gently gliding hands. The Norwegian looked hurt as he recoiled. His eyes were full of questions as Skwisgaar let out a gasping laugh and panted, "If I only gets to do this once to you, I _wants _to do it."

"Oh," he said, looking down, slightly embarrassed. "I ams sorrys."

"Don't be. You ammnest perfect," Skwisgaar breathed as he kissed him again. Toki seemed to brighten up as he pressed his own erection against Skwisgaar's.

"You ams goings to make love to me now?"

And suddenly all Skwisgaar could find it in himself to do was to let out a little sob and nod. "Ja," he said, trying to hold in his tears, "I ammnest...if you wants me to..."

"Oh, I dos," Toki said, smiling sheepishly at Skwisgaar's tears. He sat up a little and kissed away a salty tear as it fell down the Swede's cheek. "Cause you ams the most perfect person that I ever seen." and he reached out and with his thumbs wiped at Skwisgaar's tearing eyes. "And your eyes ams the most beautiful ones that I ever see."

He knew he should feel embarrassed for crying like this, but Toki seemed to make this impossible. He was too kind, to warm, to wonderful in his childlike demeanor...Skwisgaar wasn't embarrassed. He was no longer afraid to let him know how he really felt. He was no longer ashamed to think of all of the things we wanted to do to Toki. It was all okay.

That's why his only response to his words was to rasp, "O-Okays," Toki frowned and shook his head.

"No more crying, please. Why you cry?"

"Cause I never thought 'dat...you and me...always I haves to watch Pickle do this things to you, and I dream of it, every singe, stupid, fucking nights I dream of its..."

"Then dos it, Skwisgaar."

He nodded and took a handful of his blond hair. After throwing it over his shoulder, he positioned himself. Using one hand he hugged Toki close to him—so close that their bodies were fitted perfectly against each other, like pieces of some newly discovered puzzle. With the other, he positioned his cock.

It was such ecstasy as he entered Toki, such wondrous beauty. Skwisgaar had never felt anything like it, not with any of the girls that he had ever fucked in his life. It was better than perfect. It was indescribable. And Toki, the beautiful way he let out cries of pleasure and threw his head back and moaned...finally they were together. It was just purely and simply _them, _the both of them joined as one. Always they would now be with each other, bound eternally by this one night of fantasy.

"Oh, Skwisgaar, yes, yes..." Toki gasped suddenly as he arched his back up, desperate to have more of Skwisgaar inside of him.

Skwisgaar gasped the other man's name in response and with his own well callused hands—so rough from years of playing his Gibson—found Toki's cock. He began stroking vigorously, just as the Norwegian had done to him. The desperate pants that rose from Toki's throat only encouraged him to increase his rhythmic pace.

"Dos me!" Toki cried in pleasure.

"...Toki, I loves you." the words slipped out amidst a waterfall of emotions and moans. "Oh, you feels so good."

Toki wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar's neck and raised himself up. His nails dug into Skwisgaar's skin and his cheek brushed against the Swede's. Toki nipped at his ear and whispered, "Yous insides me feel so fuckings nice..."

Skwisgaar just kept thrusting and thrusting, panting loudly. Sweat beaded on his face and fell in sparkling drops as Toki began moving his hips along to the pace Skwisgaar had set. After a second of this new found bliss he closed his eyes. "Skwisgaar, you fucks me so good..."

It sounded almost childish, and was a comment full of almost kiddish innocent ignorance, but it was all it took to make Skwisgaar come. He let himself go and then, with one last moan of exquisite pleasure, and hugged Toki to him. He rolled over, so that the gasping Norwegian was on top of him, and closed his eyes. He was exhausted for some reason, and covered in sweat. So was Toki as he fell against Skwisgaar and sighed.

They were both covered in each other's cum, and as Skwisgaar opened his eyes he saw that Toki was staring up at his face, studying it carefully. "Toki, what ammnest you-"

"You loves me? Cause I loves you."

Skwisgaar hesitated, taken aback by this. It took all the energy he had to say, "Ja, and I loves you too, now just comes here-" he pulled Toki closer to him and let him rest his head on his sweaty shoulder. "-and lets me hold you untils the morning."

He loved how sweaty Toki was. It sounded odd and was even odder to think about, but he liked the way his long, brown, damp hair was draped across his shoulders in a beautiful, brown veil. Skwisgaar chuckled to himself, making Toki look up at him.

"What ams you laughing at?"

"Nothings, I..." his voice trailed off and he smiled down at him. "I was just thinkings how much I loves your hair like this—over your shoulders and nice."

Toki grinned. "You thinks I ams cute."

"The cutest," he agreed. Skwisgaar felt a surge of emotion rising in him as the Norwegian bit his lip a little and blushed. God, he was so perfect.

Skwisgaar's fantasies were broken, though as Toki asked more seriously, "What do yous loves about me?"

"Do we really have to talk about that now? I'ms so _tired._" But after taking one look at the hurt that flashed in Toki's eyes, he began to ramble off the reasons, rapping his fingers on the other man's bare back as he did so.

"Well, I loves how you sometimes ams bitings your lower lip when yous smile, and-"

Toki giggled and asked, "I do 'dat?"

He nodded. "Ja, you do. It's adroables. Also, I loves you for the way you ammnest sometimes smile and turns red. 'Dat cutes too."

Another laugh then, "That's nice. You ams so good to me, Skwisgaar." and he closed his eyes and let his head fall onto the Swede's bare chest. "So goods..."

In a while both men were asleep, holding each other tight. Toki only awoke once, at nine the next morning. When he woke up naked, he thought that he was with Pickles. Of course, he had never awoken like this with anyone else, but seeing Skwisgaar lying under him made him come to his senses, grab his clothes, and give the Swede one last kiss.

"Ugh...Toki? Where ammnest you goings? It's only-"

"I am sorrys, so, so sorrys." he whispered as he ran his fingers through the other man's blond hair. "Pickle, I just thinks he need me right now more than you dos."

"But-"

"I'll see you in a while. Goodbyes." and he got up, but Skwisgaar caught his arm in a stubborn grip and wouldn't let him go.

"Please don't leave..."

"Goodbyes, Skwisgaar," was his only response as he pulled away and went out the door.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 4, Part 4**

_**The Choice Is Made**_

"Pickle? Pickle, ams you awake?" Toki whispered shyly as he opened the door to the drummer's room. Sure enough, Pickles was sitting on the edge of the bed, much like the night before, only now a variety of vodka and tequila bottles were laying on the floor, reflecting the early morning sun that streamed in through an opened window.

Toki went over to him and sat down. "Pickle, ams you-"

"It tore me up."

He arched a brow. "Huh?"

Pickles looked over at him and repeated, "It tore me up, not havin' you. Alls I did was drink...that was all I could do." and he scratched his left eye and sighed. Dark circles ringed both of his eyes and his nose was a cheery red. Toki looked down, feeling the horrible weight of guilt crushing down on him.

The only thing he could think to say was, "Pickle, I ams _so _sorrys. I-"

"You know what? Don't be."

He looked up, his eyes full of fear and confusion for what was about to come. "Huh?"

"You know, I done some thinkin', and maybe—well, maybe you and Skwisgaar...you and him...he loves you a lot, I know 'dat, so maybe he'd take better care of you..."

"Pickle, please, just ssh." Toki said softly. This surprised Pickles, so he did indeed grow quiet.

With a kind little smile, Toki laid his head in the drummer's lap and closed his eyes, feeling the familiar warmth and comfort that Pickles brought into his heart come racing back. The best part was that he didn't even have to talk to feel comfortable with Pickles. The feeling was just there, always present and welcome. Never before had Toki felt so good being with a person.

"Toki, listen, I-"

"Do you loves me?"

Pickles let out a soft scoff, as if insulted by the question. "Course I do."

Toki didn't open his eyes as he asked, "What abouts me ams you loves the most?"

Pickles didn't hesitate to say, "My favorite thing about you is your hands."

This made the Norwegian laugh and inquire, "My handses?"

"Well, yeah, sure. They're...I dunno...soft and nice." Pickles turned red after saying this and repeated, "_Soft and nice? _God, I _really _missed you."

And, without regret, Toki sat up and readjusted himself in the drummer's lap. Only when he was sitting and hugging Pickles tightly did he continue, "What else?"

"The way you say stuff," Pickles said, beginning to absentmindedly run his fingers lightly through Toki's long hair. "I don't know if you realize it, but you sometimes add 's'es to stuff."

"And you sounds weirds too! Like you from Wack-scackscon or somethings." Toki said offhandedly. "I don't knows."

This made him laugh and say, "Wisconsin, Toki."

"Whatevers. I ams froms Norway and I still loves you. What the difference?"

The smile evaporated off of Pickles' face as he stared down at Toki and asked, "You love me?"

"Ja, I thinks...I thinks..." and Toki met his gaze, not realizing that he had begun to cry. "I ams so sorrys for what I dos! I didn'ts means it, I justs...I..."

A look of concern flashed across Pickles' face as he kissed him on the top of his head and whispered, "It's fine, really."

"No, nos it ain'ts."

"Toki, look, I-"

"Do yous hates me?"

"No way. That's impossible." when it didn't look like Toki understood, Pickles smiled at him and said, "Look, I just wanted to make sure that when you chose who you wanted to be with, it was honestly your choice. 'Dat was it, but imagining it never hurt as much as seein' it happen."

"What means you?"

"It hurt to watch you walk out the door last night, but...well, I just wanted you to make your own choice."

Toki swallowed. "What ams you saying, Pickle?"

He shrugged. "I dunno, just that I really want you to be happy, is all. And, well, no matter who you choose, I just want you to know that I'll _always _love you."

"Always?"

He nodded. "Yeah, always and longer."

And that's when it all clicked in Toki's brain; he realized that the bond he and Pickles had could never be rivaled to anything in the world, even the love he felt for Skwisgaar, which, with each passing second, was beginning to seem more like an affection than a _love. _Then he thought back...back to Skwisgaar's words.

_What do yous loves about me?_

_Do we really have to talk about that now? I'ms so_ tired..._Well, I loves how you sometimes ams bitings your lower lip when yous smile, and-_

_I do 'dat?_

_Ja, you do. It's adroables. Also, I loves you for the way you ammnest sometimes smile and turns red. 'Dat ammnest cutes too..._

Then his mind reeled and flashed immediately back to Pickles.

_What abouts me ams you loves the most?_

_My favorite thing about you is your hands._

_My handses?_

_Well, yeah, sure. They're...I dunno...soft and nice. Soft and nice? God, I _really_ missed you._

_What else?_

_The way you say stuff...I don't know if you realize it, but you sometimes add 's'es to stuff._

_When peoples love each other, they supposed to love _every _little things about each others—the ways they talk to the way their hands feels, _he thought now. _Pickle loves me like that...Skwisgaar loves me, but Pickle loves _every_ little thing about me..._

And it all became clear as crystal. Toki remembered. He had realized some things when he had been with Skwisgaar. He had realized just how perfectly their forms had fit against each other, how they seemed to me made for each other. Skwisgaar was so lean, without any flaws...Pickles wasn't bad either, but he certainly wasn't as good looking as the Swede. Of course, Toki thought him beautiful, but he did have the beginnings of a slight—nearly unnoticeable—beer gut from his love of alcohol...

It was nice, though. He was warmer than Skwisgaar, had more to offer. As if he could tell what Toki was thinking, Pickles reached down, his hands cupping Toki's face. He cradled him gently and whispered, "I love absolutely everything about you."

"I...I..."

"Toki?"

"Ja?" he asked, his eyes wide. Pickles' words had totally shocked him. He had never seen this side of him before...

"You have to tell me now. Please, just tell me..."

"Tell you whats?"

"Who do you pick?"

This was it. Everything came down to this, but the choice had become more than clear for Toki as he said, "You, Pickle. It haves always been you."

Pickles let a loving smile come across his face. "I love you so much," he whispered. Toki just nodded and hugged him tighter than he had ever before. Pickles didn't mind it at all, though. The crushing pressure was a welcome feeling after a night of being alone.

"Just promise that you'll never do 'dat with anyone other than me," Pickles said. "Ever."

"I promises."

"Good, and so do I."

"Goods."

And they let each other go for a moment and just stared at each other. Both thought the other the definition of perfection. It was a funny thing, really. In all Toki's life he had been told that there was no such thing as perfection, but here it was. He was staring at it. Pickles leaned forward and kissed him.

"He didn't hurt you none, did he?"

"Whose?"

"Skwisgaar. You know, when he-"

And Toki's eyes grew wide. "Oh nos! I've gots to tell..." and his eyes filled with tears. "I can'ts do this no mores..."

"Toki, listen to me-"

"I can'ts break his heart..."

"-it's gonna be okay. Look, I'll even go with ya if you want me to."

But Toki shook his head firmly and rose to his feet. "No. This ams something that I haves to do alones. I'll meet you backs in here whens I am done...I need someones to talks to. Things have been crazy latleys."

Pickles gave him a little half-smile. "Yeah, you say 'dat again."

He watched as Toki turned and walked out the door for the second time, only now he didn't pick up a bottle to drink. He laid back on the bed, closed his eyes, and sighed. Things were right again.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

****A/N****

If you didn't like this chapter—meaning if you found it to be a little too much—then

I'm sorry. This is the first sexually descriptive story that I've written, so I hope you like it.

I wanted to write something more than just the normal,

'And Toki disappeared into Skwisgaar's room and didn't emerge till morning,'

kind of thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5, Part 1**

_**The Reason Why**_

When Toki came thru the door for the second time, Skwisgaar barley bothered to open his eyes. He was still so tired...

"God, Toki, I thought you woulds take longer to tells him..." 

"To tells him what?"

"You knows...what we dones."

The thought that Skwisgaar had caused Pickles pain—had stolen Toki from him—was enough to make the Swede's heart feel like it was floating, but Toki said nothing in response. Skwisgaar opened his blue eyes and stared over at him. Something was wrong. Toki just stood in the open doorway, twisting his hair nervously. Skwisgaar swallowed. What was going on?

"Uh...Tokis...what ammnest you-"

"I sorry, Skwisgaar."

"I...what?"

Toki began sobbing now, falling heavily onto the bed. He still wasn't dressed yet. Skwisgaar hadn't bothered to get up or anything. Now he suddenly regretted it as Toki scooted closer to him and continued to cry.

"Toki, what-"

"I can'ts do this..."

Suddenly Skwisgaar found that tears were coming to his own eyes. He didn't know why, but he could tell something bad was coming."Do whats?"

"I'm so sorry, Skwisgaar...so, so sorry that I hads to do this to yous."

And he understood. Toki wasn't crying about breaking it off with Pickles, he was crying about breaking it off with _him._ Skwisgaar felt a solid lump forming in his throat as he asked, "Whys?"

"Because, I didn't know what I was doings..."

He shook his head, his blond hair falling in his face, obscuring his teary eyes. "Whys you gots to do 'dis to me?"

Toki bit his lip in that way that Skwisgaar liked so much and whispered, "I ams so-"

"You ammnest killing me, Tokis."

The Norwegian looked ashamed as he said, "It was just that...that..."

"That what?" Skwisgaar asked. He didn't know why, but he was honestly curious. What did Pickles have that he didn't? Hadn't he been good to Toki? Hadn't he played by all the rules so far? One night, that had been it. He hadn't done anything wrong...or had he?

He had to know.

Toki looked down and shook his head. Like a small child he said simply, as if he could read the other man's mind, "Nos..."

Skwisgaar reached forward and wiped a tear from Toki's face. "Looks, just tells me. I can handles it; I _wants _to know."

"It ams just..." he took a deep breath and said all at once, "...yous was just, I don'ts knows, I can'ts say it right...it was like yous was just fuckings me to dos it, cause you wanted to, and-"

"Ja, I do wants to fucks you. Sorry if that considered a crime," Skwisgaar mumbled bitterly.

Toki continued, "-and when me and Pickle dos it, it like we _together. _Yous was just so...so..."

"So whats?"

"I don'ts knows...self absorbed." as soon as Toki said it, he began shaking his head and sputtering, "No, nos, that not what I means..."

"And Pickle isn't?"

"I just...I..."

"Toki, look, say what you wants, but just don't ever compares me to Pickle. Ever." Skwisgaar said. "It hurts too much."

Toki looked down and bit his lower lip a little, giving Skwisgaar the sudden urge to kiss him, to make love to him like mad...he was just so perfect. Perfect enough to rip his heart apart. Finally Toki admitted, "I loves you, but not in thats way. I realize that now."

"Now? Now you realize it after I gives you everything?"

Toki sniffled and wiped his nose. "I am sorrys. I just didn't know..." his voice trailed off and once again he began to cry. Skwisgaar, realizing that this would be his last chance to hold him, let Toki crawl over into his arms. Then something hit him. 

The realization hit him harder than anything he'd felt in his life, and made his anger for Toki melt away like snow in the sun. Toki hadn't meant to hurt him, and knowing that he had made him feel so hopelessly guilty. He had just wanted to get his heart in the right place, nothing more, and he hadn't known how else to do it other than sex.

Skwisgaar swallowed. He felt very bad for making Toki cry so much. Why make it harder on him than it already was? No matter what he said, at the end of the day, Toki would always belong to Pickles. It was something he had to accept, no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it made him just want to crawl into the covers of his bed and never get out again. He sighed. He knew what he had to do.

Skwisgaar let his shaking hands travel through Toki's hair one last time. He lifted his head and stared into the pale, blue eyes. They were red from so much crying and full of guilt and hurt. Down Toki's face there ran shining trails of tears. Skwisgaar let out a ragged breath as he closed his eyes, leaned forward, and kissed him. Kissed him for the last time.

"Ugh...Tokis?" he muttered as he ended the kiss and let his forehead rest against the other man's. He looked into his eyes and touched his cheek gently. "You gots to go back to Pickle."

"But Skwisgaar, I-"

"I gets it, okay? I understands that you loves him."

Toki looked down, making Skwisgaar touch his hand and whisper, "Go."

"I so sorrys."

He shook his head and said in a firm, unwavering voice, "Don'ts be. Don'ts _ever _be sorrys for doing what makes you happy, cause 'dats all I want now. Just for you to be happy. Can you do that for me?"

"Ja."

"Good," and Skwisgaar released him and turned to face the wall. "Go. Gets out of my sight."

"But-"

"Go!"

He heard the springs in the mattress squeak as Toki got out of the bed, and he heard the echoing of footsteps as he walked out of the room and out of this part of his life forever.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 5, Part 2**

_**Everything Made Right Again**_

As soon as Toki had closed the door to Skwisgaar's room, he leaned against the wall and began to cry all over again. What had he done? How could he be so heartless? Poor Skwisgaar...Toki was such an idiot! He was...he was...

"Toki?"

At the sound of his name, he looked up. Pickles stood at the far end of the hall, his hands jammed deep into his pockets. When Toki met his gaze, he shrugged and asked, "So...uh, you okay?"

"Pickle!" he ran over to him and leaped into his arms. The crushing force of his weight was nearly enough to send Pickles flying backwards, but it didn't. He did stagger back a few steps, though, as he wrapped his arms around Toki and let him cry.

"I didn'ts wants to..."

"I know, Toki."

"I feels so bad."

"It's fine."

He let out a little sob and asked thickly, "How do you knows?"

Pickles shrugged. "He just wants what makes you happy. If I make you happy, then I think he'll get over it. It'll take him some time—a lot of time if he loved you like said he did."

"What if he don'ts?"

"Then that'll be sad, cause I don't want to give you up neither." Pickles said with a grin. "Now come on. We have some catching up to do," and he took Toki's hand. The two of them walked down the hall together, and for once it seemed to fall into place.

For once everything seemed normal.


	6. Chapter 4,5 Toki's POV

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 4, Part 3**

_**The Only Night That Mattered**_

_**[TOKI'S P.O.V.]**_

Toki was breathing heavily as he burst through the door to Skwisgaar's room. This was it. He didn't have to hide his feelings anymore. He could just let everything out at once. As Skwisgaar looked up, he fell into his arms and started sobbing, "Skwisgaar, I tolds him-"

His eyes darted over to the door as he asked, "Whats the fucks did yous do?"

"He saids that we could haves one night."

"What the fucks did you—wait, whats?"

He couldn't help but smile and say happily, "One nights, he saids, to get my heart in the right place."

Skwisgaar's eyes widened and he asked, "What? Why would he gives you up?"

Unable to resist the urge—or the tight feeling of his pants—any longer, he kissed Skwisgaar. When he pulled away he said, "I don'ts knows, but I thinks that I loves you both."

And in pure act of desperate longing, Toki began pulling at Skwisgaar's belt, fumbling to undo it before the Swede said, "Toki, what ams you-"

"I wants more of you to see."

Skwisgaar was silent for a second, staring down at him oddly, as if he was some new alien form of life he had never seen. "Toki, ammnest I ever having told you just how great you are?"

Toki felt a pleasant warm feeling fill his heart as he arched a brow and asked in the nicest way he knew how, "How greats?"

Skwisgaar kissed him and whispered, "The greatest."

This was impossible! Never before had anyone ever said such nice things to him...Pickles, of course, said he was sexy and nice, but Skwisgaar just seemed to be behaving with such genuine affection. Toki had never seen him like this. Skwisgaar pulled away, but Toki caught him and began pleading, trying desperately to make the Swede give him his all, "Skwisgaar, please. I needs more of this—of you."

"What ammnest you sayings, Toki?" Skwisgaar asked in a sort of terrified whisper. "Ammnest you saying that you wants me to fucks you?"

He nodded. "Please, Skwisgaar. I wants you so badly..." the own pleading urgency in his voice surprised him, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered now, only one thing. He wanted to feel Skwisgaar. He _had _to feel Skwisgaar.

"Toki, I..."

"...I...I thinks that I loves you." he hadn't meant to say it, in fact he had been thinking it. Somehow it had just slipped past his lips.

Skwisgaar's face gained a look of extreme thought and wonderment. What came after was a long pause, one which made Toki fear that he had said the wrong thing. This fear quickly melted away, though, as Skwisgaar gave a little, surrendering sigh and said,"Damns it, Toki, you ammnest just so beautiful," he said before getting to his feet. Toki's bit his lip. Where was he going? Had he said something bad?

"Where you going? I did something wrong?"

"No, dild—no, my Toki. I was just getting bed ready." and Skwisgaar went and took a half glance at the bed.

Toki grinned at this. What was he thinking about as he stared at the bed like that? Was Skwisgaar imagining the two of them having sex? His face turned pink at this thought and he blinked his eyes as images of Skwisgaar's naked body, perfect, flawless, and shimmering with sweat, filled his brain. His smile grew, and when he looked back over to Skwisgaar now, he was surprised to find him still staring at that damn bed. What was the problem? Toki wanted to be in his arms now, kissing him and feeling him all over. Why did he seem so hesitant?

"Skwisgaar, why you look at your bed likes that?"

"I was just...uh..." and for some reason he didn't bother to finish his sentence. Instead he walked back over to Toki and picked him up with minimal effort. Slowly he carried him over to the bed and laid him down. "...just thinkings how beautiful you ammnest goings to look naked."

_I knews it! _Toki thought delightedly as he began removing his clothes. Skwisgaar was tense as he took off his own clothes and stared at him. It was odd. He had never seen the Swede like this before. Usually he was cocky, he knew what he was talking about or doing—now he just looked lost and a little scared. What he said next confirmed these assumptions.

"You...uh...wants me to fucks you now?"

"Ja, I wants you to so bads." was his response. He couldn't resist it, not a second longer. He couldn't resist not touching Skwisgaar. Toki delicately put some of the other man's blond hair behind his ear and smiled at him sweetly.

"Mmm." Skwisgaar said as he rolled over. Toki gladly fell into the sheets and stared up at him. He was nice, like a golden God. The way his hair draped over his shoulder, tickling Toki's neck as it passed lightly over his skin...it all gave him goosebumps.

Skwisgaar flipped his head, trying to get his hair out of his face, before he leaned down and kissed him. Toki let his curious eyes wander down to the one place that he was longing for, and there it was. His mouth watered a little and his whole body tingled.

"You knows what Pickle taught me?" he asked, unable to contain himself any longer.

"Huh?" He sounded slightly hesitant, but as his callused hand ran over Toki's abs, he asked, "What ammnest he teach you?"

"Might make you cum," he said warily. "Makes him cum."

"Just dos it, please." Skwisgaar. He sounded so curious, his voice thick with emotion. Toki looked back down at the Swede's erection and with a careful hand, he began stroking it. What came next made his own erection grow.

As his thumb passed over the head, a deep groan arose from Skwisgaar's throat and his head rolled back. He closed his blue eyes and hissed between clenched teeth, "Oh, Toki..."

Then, just as Toki had begun to really get into it was about to put it in his mouth, Skwisgaar slapped his hand away. "If I only gets to do this once to you, I _wants _to do it."

"Oh," he said, biting his lower lip a little in embarrassment. "I ams sorrys."

"Don't be. You ammnest perfect," Skwisgaar said as he kissed him. The warm feeling raced throughout Toki's body again at the hot feeling of the Swede's tongue. It was so wonderful, so perfect. He had to have more. Without the restraint of clothes, he pressed his stiff cock against Skwisgaar's and closed his eyes.

Both of them together like this...it was perfect.

"You ams goings to make love to me now?" he asked.

Skwisgaar let out an odd sound and nodded. "Ja," he said, trying to hold in his tears, "I ammnest...if you wants me to..."

"Oh, I dos," Toki said, smiling shyly. He had opened his eyes to see him crying. It didn't embarrass him, just made him want to ask questions, so he sat up a little and kissed away a salty tear as it fell down the Swede's cheek. It tasted good. "Cause you ams the most perfect person that I ever seen." he wiped away the rest of the tears with his fingers carefully before continuing, "And your eyes ams the most beautiful ones that I ever see."

"O-Okays," was Skwisgaar said. Toki frowned at this. No. He didn't want it like this. He wanted Skwisgaar to be happy, to be calling out his name and loving him...not crying.

"No more crying, please. Why you cry?"

"Cause I never thought dat...you and me...always I haves to watch Pickle do this things to you, and I dream of it, ever singe, stupid, fucking nights I dream of its..."

His heart filled with a sudden guilt. Pickles. Toki tried not to tear up at the thought of the hurt Pickles must be feeling right about now, knowing that the only person he loved in the world was fucking someone else...still, part of him still wondered. He wondered how much Skwisgaar could love him, how good it could be.

"Then dos it, Skwisgaar." he said finally.

This seemed to help Skwisgaar to calm down a little as he tried to put his long hair over his shoulder again. Then he spread his legs and grabbed Toki. One of his hands slid behind his back and forced him so very close. Their bodies meshed together with such perfection that Toki really believed that they had always been like this, always constantly fucking each other. It was just like they had each been made for this—for each other.

His heart raced as Skwisgaar thrust his hips forward and entered him. He let out a sharp gasp. Was it supposed to be like this? It felt impossibly amazing, but also painful...Toki bit his lip hard now and closed his eyes tight. This was pleasure and pain mingling together, becoming one. Suddenly he wanted it to all stop. He wasn't ready for this, it was too much. Pickles never hurt him _this _much...he never hurt him at all, come to think of it. Skwisgaar must have been bigger than him, far larger. Then he hit Toki's sweet spot. The Norwegian's body became rigid with pleasure and he moaned. The pleasure had returned, enough to dilute the pain...for the time being.

"Oh, Skwisgaar, yes, yes..." Toki gasped suddenly as he arched his back and spread his legs a little more. The pleasure was indescribable. He had to have more. He had to have more of Skwisgaar pressing inside of him, striking that special spot with such wonderful force.

"T-Toki," Skwisgaar gasped. Toki let out a little groan as the pain began returning. Shit, this was getting to be bad. Burning had taken over, a horrible sensation of agony...but he sort of liked it. Then he felt a strong, determined hand take his cock and begin to stroke.

_Oh Gods, this ams too much..._he thought. _Too much pains and niceness...what ams I doings with him?_

He didn't quite know, so he just let out a moan and rasped, "Dos me!"

He wasn't sure if it was a plead to keep going or to stop. Either way, though, things might be made better. Then the thought entered his head. The thought of Pickles' gentle touch...the first time they had made love...

_[Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?_

_Okay, Pickle._

_'Cause I don't wanna do 'dat._

_Okays._

_I never wanna hurt you...ever.]_

"...Toki, I loves you." Skwisgaar said, pulling him back into the present. "Oh, you feels so good."

Hoping that it would ease the growing burning and ripping pain that coursed through him, he wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar's neck and pulled himself up. God, he was on fire. Hot, burning fire. Was it good or bad? He couldn't tell anymore, it was just fire, and it was burning him up. Suddenly he had an urge to cry, but he resisted. He resisted for Skwisgaar. Instead, he dug his nails into the Swede's skin and brushed his cheek against the other man's in a futile attempt to bring the slow, soft comfort of Pickles back into his mind. That seemed to be the only way he'd survive this. "Yous insides me feel so fuckings nice..."

_...and bads._

But mostly, he had to admit, it _was _nice. Better than nice.

Skwisgaar just kept thrusting and thrusting, panting loudly. Toki, trying to get the previous ecstasy back, tried to keep up with his pace. He looked up and stared at the Swede for the first time. He looked wild, totally untamed. His blond hair clung to his skull with sweat, his once golden roots darkened to a light brown. Every inch of him shined with sweat, and for a moment Toki was reminded of his previous vision of Skwisgaar fucking him like this...just like this. Was this any better?

"Skwisgaar, you fucks me so good..."

It was partly true. He was like a God to Toki, then. Like a fantastic sex God, one who was so flawlessly perfect...but it hurt. God, did it hurt. It hurt so much that he could barley feel when Skwisgaar cummed inside of him in a warm, flowing rush. Then he forced himself to go as well, trying to complete Skwisgaar's vision of a perfect night. When Skwisgaar pulled out of him, there was an intimidate relief, but still there was pain. He winced as the Swede hugged him. Toki sighed and let his head fall against his shoulder.

_[I never wanna hurt you...ever.]_

EVER.

He opened his eyes and looked up at Skwisgaar, observing him carefully, making him frown. "Toki, what ammnest you-"

"You loves me? 'Cause I loves you."

There was a pause before he answered, "Ja, and I loves you too, now just comes here-" he pulled Toki closer to him and let him rest his head on his sweaty shoulder. "-and lets me hold you untils the morning."

He didn't quite know how to proceed from here. Pickles usually let him have all the covers and pillows and take a nice, long nap.

_[I ams so tired, Pickle..._

_That's fine. You were amazing. Just go to sleep._

_With all the covers and pillow? _

_Sure, I don't mind._

_But where will you sleep?_

_I'm fine, don't worry about me. All I care about is you, now go to sleep._

_Thanks you, Pickle._

_That's fine, Toki. Goodnight. I love you._

_I loves you to...]_

Toki became quiet. That is, until he heard Skwisgaar chuckling to himself. Then he looked up, an inquisitive look on his face. "What ams you laughing at?"

"Nothings, I...I was just thinkings how much I loves your hair like this—over your shoulders and nice."

Toki couldn't help but smile at this. _Sounds so much like something Pickle would say!_ "You thinks I ams cute."

"The cutest," he agreed. He bit his lip and blushed a little. He couldn't help it. Things had returned to normal again. Things felt good again. He could ignore the now dull, throbbing pain inside of him. But a more serious question came to him. He had to know.

"What do yous loves about me?"

Skwisgaar let out a sigh and said tiredly, "Do we really have to talk about that now? I'ms so _tired._"

And this hurt, introducing Toki to a whole new kind of pain. His heart skipped a beat at this and for one second the fearful thought of, _Oh nos, did he just fucks me like he fucks everyone else? Did it not mean nothings to him? _Had he thrown away Pickles for this?

Suddenly Skwisgaar, sensing Toki's hurt, began to ramble, "Well, I loves how you sometimes ams bitings your lower lip when yous smile, and-"

"I do 'dat?"

"Ja," Skwisgaar responded with a nod, "you do. It's adroables. Also, I loves you for the way you ammnest sometimes smile and turns red. 'Dat ammnest cutes too."

A little more soft, childish laughter. "That's nice. You ams so good to me, Skwisgaar." and he closed his eyes and let his head fall onto the Swede's bare chest. "So goods..."

_So goods for talkings to me like Pickle does...making me miss him all overs again. _He let out a little sigh, one that Skwisgaar didn't notice. Thoughts of the red-haired drummer filled his brain. He couldn't help it. He couldn't help but to think back to him. He _loved _him...but didn't he love Skwisgaar? Didn't he just have sex with him? Didn't he—

_[I fixed you breakfast, Toki. Hey, Toki? You awake?_

_Huh? Yeahs, I'm awake. Wowee, breakfast? Thanks, Pickle!_

_Whatever. It's no big deal, really._

_You's ams too good to me!_

_Yeah, I guess I'm okay. Just eat up, all right?_

_Okay! Thanks, Pickle.]_

The next morning Toki awoke totally dazed and confused. He scratched his head and looked around the room, a brow arched. "Huh? Whats..." and then everything that had happened came racing back to him. His eyes grew wide and all he could think of as he pulled on his clothes—shit, that pain was still there, as prominent as ever!-was one person.

"Pickle, I mades mistake."

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

****A/N**

I decided to type this chapter as an afterthought.

It seemed to me that the reason as to why Toki chose Skwisgaar over Pickles was unclear,

because from Skwisgaar's point of view, the sex had been the most wonderful thing ever.

Toki, however, said that he acted a bit selfishly.

In order to justify that, I wrote this section because, needless to say,

everyone's take on certain situations is different.

And now Part 2 of this chapter—and the final part.

Sorry to stretch it on, but I was just _dying _to add this. Hope you like.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**The First Time**

_**[PICKLES AND TOKI]**_

He had seen it, up there on the stage. Even from where he sat, pounding away at his drums, his hair flying wildly from side to side, he could see it. Toki. The way he strummed so skillfully on that guitar...he wondered what other things those wonderful hands could do...then, as Toki began playing a whole different song, Pickles saw it and his green eyes grew wide. He saw _IT._

Pressing against Toki's jeans there was a prominent bulge. Pickles swallowed and mumbled to himself, "What the..."

Toki had a firm erection right then, as _Dethklok _played for a whole mass of thousands of screaming fans. Right then as Nathan growled and screamed the last lyrics of the song, _Go Forth And Die. _Pickles blinked and stared at the Norwegian again. Could it be true? A smile spread across his face and he had to try very hard not to laugh. It was absurd, so crazy. Did anyone else notice?

Pickles eyes quickly scanned over to Murderface, then to Nathan, and finally to Skwisgaar, who had his eyes focused on his Gibson. A new feeling rose in the drummer. One that was odd and almost unwanted...

_I wanna fuck him._

He turned red under his white face paint. Thank God for that stage makeup, or he would be as red as his hair, then. But it was true. Despite himself, Pickles had actually begun imagining himself making love to Toki Wartooth.

And he liked it...

Later on, after the show, everyone was saying great job to each other and exchanging compliments. Well, perhaps not. In the case of Skwisgaar and Toki, things generally went like this:

"You calls that guitar playings? Huh! Sounded like wounded cats fuckings."

"My guitar playings? Skwisgaar, you ams dildos! I was great!"

_Yeah, the greatest, _Pickles thought distractedly as he glanced at the crotch of Toki's jeans. The erection was gone now, but he could still remember it clear as anything. Again he felt himself turning red and blurted, "Yeah, well, 'dat was a pretty good show tonight, so I'mma just gonna go and take off this fuckin' makeup now...see you guys later."

Nathan glared over at him. "Do what you want. It wasn't like you were actually playing on that last song anyway."

Pickles frowned. "What? What do you mean I wasn't playin'?"

And Skwisgaar began to laugh, hugging his sides. "Oh, ja!" he exclaimed, "I remember 'dats! Yous was just sittings up there takings a little break all confuseded-looking. Now _that _was dildos."

Pickles glared at him and said, "No I wasn't! I was playin'!"

"Na-uh you washn't!" Murderface jumped in. "You were all shitting there looking shtupid. I had to cover for you."

Nathan rolled his eyes. "Murderface, how could you possibly make up for Pickles' lack of talent tonight when you're playing bass?"

His eyes darted from the drummer to Nathan. Finally he blurted, "Fuck you, that'sh how!" and he stormed off.

"Okay, okay," Pickles said, "fine, next time I play how about I do this—okay, how about I smash your face?"

Nathan shrugged. "Might as well try it if it makes you sound better."

"Oh, you know what? Fuck you, fuck all of you, I'm goin' wash aff this stupid makeup and 'den I'm goin' to bed," Pickles said as he walked off. It was odd, really. Although he wouldn't realize it until much later—until Toki would point it out to him—the angrier he got, the worse his Wisconsin dialect seemed to become. It got so bad to the point where it was quite comical.

Like right then, where he said 'aff' insead of 'off'. This sent Toki into a laughing fit as he cried, "That's funnys! It's like can't be talkings in the proper Anglishes!"

"Yeah, right, proper...uh..." Nathan's voice trailed off as he said, "Well, I'm gonna go find something to drink. See you guys later."

Then it was just Skwisgaar and Toki, who was still giggling to himself. Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and spotted some fan girls a ways away. He smiled to himself and said smugly, "Ah, God blesses the backstage passes. I will sees you later, Toki. Try not to get too sloppies." and he went over to greet the scantily clad groupies. "Hello, ladies. Skwisgaar ammnest ready to sees you now."

They laughed and walked off with him. Toki frowned. Never in his life would he have had the courage to do that. It wasn't that he was shy or anything, it was just that...well, he didn't really know. He just wouldn't do that. So instead of meeting with some of his own fans, he walked off to his dressing room, but stopped. Pickles' dressing room was right next to his. He bit his lip. Suddenly he felt very bad for laughing at him. Toki sighed. He had to apologize.

He made his way to the door to the left of his and knocked on it softly, saying, "Pickle? Pickle, ams you in there?"

"Yeah, wh—what the fuck? I'm busy in here!"

"You wants me to come back later?"

"I don't know...sure I guess...wait, why are you here to start aff with?"

Toki bit his lip and tried not to laugh as he said, "To aplologizes."

The knob turned and Pickles opened the door. In his right hand he held a bottle of booze, and his left was smudged white from when he had wiped off his make up. "Why do ya wanna apologize to me for?"

Toki's eyes darted nervously down the hall. If Murderface or Nathan caught him saying he was sorry, they'd _never _let him live it down. Ever. Pickles seemed to sense this, because in a second he had moved and motioned for him to come inside. Once Toki stepped through the door, Pickles closed it gently and went over to the couch that sat in the middle of the dressing room.

He took a sip from his bottle before asking again, "So what do ya wanna say sorry for?"

Toki looked down. "Well, abouts laughing at you."

Pickles frowned and arched a brow. "You was laughin' at me? Wow, that's not a nice thing to do to people, Toki..."

"I know, that's why I'm sorrys!"

"Well..." he shrugged and said with some small amount of awkwardness, "It's okay, I guess."

A moment of silence passed and time seemed to lag by before Pickles looked up again. He yawned and stretched out casually on the couch, catching a quick glance at Toki's crotch as he did so. Everything seemed normal, no boners now. He swallowed. What he wouldn't give to have that in his mouth...

"Pickle?"

"Huh, yeah?" he looked up, blinking rapidly. Toki was smiling at him a little.

"I ams just curious, but why did yous take a break from your drums tonight? Did you forgets the song?"

He glared at him and snapped, "Course I didn't! I never forget nothin'." and he paused. Should he mention it? Should he make little Toki turn red and squirm? Yes, he should. With a wicked smile he added, "At least I don't get fuckin' boners while I'm playin'. At least 'dat don't happen to me."

Instead of turning red as he usually did when he was embarrassed, every shade of color drained from Toki's face. He said in an unusually high-pitched voice, "Yous seen that?"

Pickles nodded. "Course I did. I was sittin' up high then I look down and there it is in my face. It was..." he let his voice trail off, let Toki's fear-filled mind add in the rest. The panic that followed was something that he hadn't expected.

Toki began telling some obviously bogus story about how a groupie had ripped her shirt off and shown her bare breasts to him, shouting sexual things to him. Through all of this Pickles let his mouth slowly fall open until finally, when Toki was done with his story and breathing hard from having talked so fast, he felt himself getting an impressive erection.

He rose from his feet, dropped his vodka bottle, and went over to Toki. The Norwegian looked down. "I ams bad liar, huh?"

He nodded. "Yeah, probably the worst I've seen, at least."

"Oh. Yeah, I thought sos." and he turned to go out the door, but Pickles caught him by his arm. With a surprising amount of force—more than he had intended—Pickles pushed him against the wall and leaned close.

"Stop. Don't move."

Toki frowned a little and asked quietly, "Pickle, what you..."

"Just tell me somethin'," he breathed, his breath smelling of strong alcohol, "why did you get 'dat boner?"

The color returned to his face as he reached forward and tried to push Pickles away a little. "I...I..."

"Ha," was what the drummer mumbled as he looked down. Again, there was the bulge. It grew as he studied it, and suddenly Toki was sniffling. He gazed back up at him. God, the kid was nearly crying.

Suddenly Pickles felt very bad, but still. He had him here alone...he had to go further. Summoning up all the courage he had, the drummer began undoing Toki's belt and pulling down his pants. The Norwegian gasped and tried to slap his hands away, but Pickles ignored this.

"Pickle, what ams you-"

"Just be quiet." he looked back up at Toki and gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'll take care of you."

"But two men ain't supposed to dos this kinds of stuff with each others!"

"Don't you want me to?"

When no answer came, Pickles yanked down Toki's pants and underwear and stared at his erection. He smiled. How perfect. How delicious. His mouth watered as he took it and gently began stroking the smooth skin, making Toki fall back against the wall and close his eyes.

"Do you like that?" he asked. Toki bit his lip and nodded. "Good," Pickles whispered. "Cause so do I...just work with me..."

And before the Norwegian could respond, Pickles had put it in his mouth. He ran his tongue over it, teasing it and coaxing it to release its hidden desire...

"Oh, Pickle..."

He took him in deeper, sucking hard, trying so desperately to make him cum...Toki shuttered and tried to grip the wall to steady himself. His whole body began trembling. Pickles reached up and touched one of his hands, trying to let him know that it was okay. It was okay to _want _to do it. It was okay to just let himself go around him...

_It's all okay._

Toki returned his little smile and threw his head back, releasing himself and his desire. He let out a long, deep moan as Pickles swallowed. The salty warmth filled his mouth and coated his throat in a way that was almost divine.

"Pickle," Toki whispered, his eyes half closed, "I ams sorry, I-"

"Oh, 'dat was nice, huh?" he asked as he took Toki's cock out of his mouth. He wiped his mouth with his hand and stared up at him. "Did that feel good?"

He gave a slight, hesitant nod and whispered, "Buts that was wrong of us to do because-"

"Toki, I was just thinking-"

Suddenly he lost his innocently guilty act and blurted, "-I haves boner whens I'm around you, Pickle. That's why I hads it while playing, cause I looks up and you was up there, looking all nice..." his voice trailed off and he went to pull his pants back up. "I'ms sorry, Pickle."

Pickles reached for his hand and moved it away. "Don't you dare. I want to do something first. Come here," and he stood up and opened his arms wide. Toki arched a brow, as if he was confused. Pickles smiled a little and instructed, "Come and let me just feel you."

Toki grinned and slowly, almost cautiously, walked into his open arms. Pickles hugged him tightly, his hands venturing up into his shirt, feeling the warm, smooth skin underneath. He could only imagine what he looked like naked...begging for him...

Suddenly he felt very confined in the pants that he wore. He looked into Toki's pale blue eyes and asked softly, "I really wanna kiss you right now. Can I do 'dat? Would you let me?"

The Norwegian grinned, leaned forward, and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Pickles chuckled. "You call _that _a kiss? No, like 'dis-" and he kissed him deeply, his hands making their way to the gentle arch of Toki's back and forcing them closer. The Norwegian closed his eyes and let out a little moan as Pickles' tongue entered his mouth.

The drummer pressed his whole body closer to the other man's, until Toki could feel the growing hardness trapped in his pants. Only then did he pull away. Toki stared at him with wide eyes. "Pickle, you ams-"

"I really wanna just make love to you right now." Pickles interrupted. He couldn't wait anymore. When the Norwegian looked down at his feet, trying to hide his little, shy smile, Pickles hugged him again, slipped one hand under his rear, and the other behind his head.

With one grunt he had picked him up and was carrying him over to the couch. Toki didn't resist. In fact, he was the one who removed his shirt, his boots, and everything else. Once Pickles had done the same thing, he climbed onto of Toki, pressing himself to him.

"I haves never done nothing likes this before...not evens really kissed someones..."

"Just relax and let me do all the work, then," he said.

Toki watched him with his mouth twisted upward in a little smile. He reached forward and touched Pickles' erection for himself, making him let out a gasp. Toki pulled away quickly, looking concerned. "What ams I do wrong?"

"Huh?" He asked, still trying to recover.

"I hurt you?"

Pickles shook his head. "Course you didn't. You did the exact opposite of 'dat."

"Then why you breath like that?"

"Because I don't want to cum like that! I want to cum _inside _of you."

Toki chuckled and relaxed a little. "So you thinks I am nice?"

He nodded. "Yeah, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." and as he said this, his green eyes passed over his muscular, wonderful body. It was so perfect, like something from a faerie tale. With a careful, light touch, he ran his fingers along the inside of Toki's thighs, making him sigh in content.

"Yous hands feels nice..." and looked up and asked, his blue eyes shining, "...how you knows what to do?"

Pickles shrugged. "I've never really done this neither, but...just whatever feels right, just do it. Don't think about it, just go ahead...like right now, I want to make love to you, and that's what I'm gonna do. It doesn't take thought, only, ya know, _wanting._"

"So it like instincts or somethings?"

"Sure, I guess you could say that." and a thought came into his head. Pickles leaned down and kissed Toki before asking, "Are you a virgin?"

He nodded. "Yeahs, I am."

"Ah. Funny," he looked down and said wistfully, "I wish I still was, too."

Without further hesitation, he positioned himself and thrust in. As soon as he did, Toki let out a yell and closed his eyes. Pickles gasped and went to pull out, but a hand shot out and stopped him. Toki was staring at him, his eyes wide and his hair in his face.

"Don'ts do that's."

Pickles swallowed and whispered, "Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?"

"Okay, Pickle."

"'Cause I don't wanna do 'dat."

"Okays."

"I never wanna hurt you...ever."

There was a pause before Toki said, "I wants you to fucks me. Now."

"No," he responded, shaking his head. "this ain't fuckin'. 'Dere ain't nothing having to do with the word _fuck _here. I'm never gonna _fuck _you, I'm gonna make love to you."

"There's a difference?"

"Maybe not, but I love you, so that's what I'm gonna do."

The events that followed could not even be described by the best writer. It was too magnificent, too euphoric. The end result of it all was Toki falling asleep, satisfied and dripping with sweat, in Pickles' arms. In the end it didn't matter if it was wrong or right. It didn't matter if the whole world would've said that sleeping with another man meant that you had to get dragged outside and beaten to death. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that Pickles loved Toki, and for once in his life, someone loved him back.

But not because he was the drummer of _Dethklok _or because he had more money than he could count...no, it was none of that. Toki just loved him, for whatever crazy reason, and Pickles knew that he always would.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

****A/N****

Yes, there will be a sequel to this story.

All I can tell you is this: it will involve death...

...and a possible suicide...

...sound dramatic?

Well then read the next story.


	7. Story 2, Chapter I

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

"_Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings _

_where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws."_

_-Jim Morrison_

**STORY II**

**Chapter 1, Part 1**

_**The New Plan**_

Everything was different now. It had been three months since Toki had broken Skwisgaar's heart, and things just hadn't gone back to normal—how could they? It wasn't that everything had been particularly 'normal' to start off with, but now almost no one in the band could even look each other in the face.

Murderface tried to keep to himself because he still believed that becoming gay was contagious—he often used Skwisgaar as a prime example of just how bad it could be. Nathan acted just like he had before, grumbling and growling under his breath and glaring at whatever wasn't Pickles or Toki. Skwisgaar usually didn't speak to anyone. He continued his old life of screwing sluts and practicing on his Gibson. What else could he do?

Pickles and Toki seemed to be the only ones that were unfazed by it all. They would sit together, hold each other's hands...it was enough to make Skwisgaar and Nathan sick. That's why one day Nathan came up with a plan...a horrible plan...

"We have to break them up, Skwisgaar," he had said.

The Swede didn't look up from his guitar. He just sighed and said dully, "We already trys to do 'dat, Nathans, but it didn't work."

"Yeah, but this time it will!" he said confidently as he took his Dethphone out of his pocket. Skwisgaar stared at him with a brow raised.

"What ammnest you doing with 'dat?"

"Listen, I have a good plan...a really good plan..."

Never before had Skwisgaar ever heard him sound so desperate. He swallowed. What was going on in Nathan's head? "I...uh...okay. What is it?"

Nathan began dialing a number and smiled evilly. "Who are the people that Pickles and Toki hate the most in this whole world?"

Skwisgaar racked his brain and finally came up with, "Thems family?"

Nathan nodded and said in his deep voice, "Exactly!"

Then it clicked. It all began to make perfect sense. What Nathan was about to do was the worst possible thing...Skwisgaar couldn't let him put Toki thru that. He snatched the Dethphone from him and said, "Looks, I know that you want Toki back, but you can'ts just be callings hims parents and making thems break them up!"

"Why not?"

"Because that ammnest not fair to Toki and Pickle!"

"And you're telling me what that little fucker did to you was fair?"

Skwisgaar closed his mouth and looked down. He let Nathan have his phone back without resistance, but as he began redialing the number he gave the quiet warning of, "This ams wrong, bringing their parents down heres..."

"They'll hate it...they'll hate it so much they'll yell at each other and piss each other off..."

"Ja, they'll do 'dat."

"Pickles might get so fucking mad that he even _hits _him..."

Skwisgaar looked up, his face alarmed. "What? You ams hoping that he will actually hits him?"

Nathan shrugged. "I dunno, whatever breaks them up faster."

And Skwisgaar had sat back, strummed on his Gibson, and let Nathan call Toki and Pickles' parents. He listened as they were invited to Mordhaus...Nathan told them. He told them everything. _'Your son is fucking another guy...uhhuh...yeah, I know...' _and finally, when Nathan had hung up and put his Dethphone back in his pocket, he turned to Skwisgaar and said, "They're catching a flight right now; they'll be here by tonight."

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 1, Part 2**

_**The Best Thing In The World**_

Later, at around nine at night, Pickles was alone with Toki in his room, laying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. He sighed and scratched at his stomach distractedly, chewing on his lip. Toki frowned. "What ams you thinking about?"

"Huh?" he looked over at him.

Toki was trying to learn a song on his guitar. He sat on the other side of the bed, staring down at the lyrics and notes. "What ams you thinking about?" he repeated, strumming out a string of disjointed notes. Toki frowned and wrinkled a nose a little in thought. His brow knitted together, and for one moment he looked as though he was concentrating intensely on the music. Then, "Cause you know what Is was just thinking?"

"What?" Pickles asked, looking over at him.

"I was thinking abouts what it would be like if I gots to do a solo."

Pickles couldn't help but smile at this. "A solo? As in Skwisgaar writes the notes and he _lets _you get up on stage and play them?"

Toki nodded and his eyes lit up. "Yeah, a really longs one too!"

_Never gonna happen, _Pickles thought with some amusement. He didn't have the heart to crush Toki's childish fantasies, though, so he he merely said, "Huh, that would be somethin'..."

"Ja, but he'd never lets me do that. Skwisgaar cans be such dildo."

And there was more silence as he continued trying to memorize the song. It was a silence made Pickles sigh. He had planned a surprise for Toki tonight, but he wasn't sure if it was the right time...perhaps he should wait until later...

"Pickle?"

"Huh?" he asked again. Toki had scooted closer. The Norwegian leaned down and gave him a kiss on the lips before pulling away and smiling. He was blushing a little, Pickles noticed. Usually it was the drummer who initiated this kind of thing, so tonight something very special indeed was about to happen...

Without restraint Toki let his hand sneak up Pickles' shirt. He laughed a little and rested his forehead against Pickles', inquiring cheerfully, "Pickle, if you was lead guitar and wrote my songs, woulds you give me solo?"

He nodded. "Yeah, absolutely. As many as you wanted."

He snickered and let Pickles' fingers play with his hair; he twisted it around his index finger and grinned. "Whadda wanna do tonight?"

"I don'ts know...just haves fun?"

" 'Kay," he said, immediately snapping out of his drowsy state. He rolled to the edge of the bed and reached over for a bottle of vodka that was sitting on the nightstand. He drank some and offered it to Toki, who shook his head.

"Pickle, you saids..."

"Oh, right. Sorry." and he returned it to its spot and said, "I forgot; no drinkin'."

"Don't be stupids, you can stills drink, just not when you about to kiss me, please."

Pickles nodded. "Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry. But look, my breath ain't that bad," and to prove this, he leaned forward and kissed Toki. The Norwegian giggled a little before ending it; he was biting his lip in that shy, childish little way.

"You wants me to drink?"

He bit back insane laughter; the last time Toki had gotten drunk he hadn't even been able to stand up. "Toki, you know how bad you are when you-"

"But I'd dos it for you."

"Hmm..." he considered this seriously, itching at his chin. Toki let out a sigh and propped himself up on his elbows. It wasn't common that he was the one lying on top of Pickles, and he actually liked this change quite a bit.

"Comes on, I get drunk just for tonights."

"What happens when ya puke?"

"I won'ts drink _that _much, just enough to haves fun."

Pickles frowned. "Toki, ya ain't gotta drink to have fun."

He shrugged. "I knows, but I wants to, just for tonight. Please?"

It wasn't often that he was actually begging Pickles for alcohol. The drummer grinned. Tonight was going to be very special indeed. Just as he had grabbed the bottle again, a knock came at his door. The voice of a Klokateer came thru to them, saying dully, "My Lords, a group of visitors has arrived to see you."

Pickles let out an annoyed sigh and yelled back, "What the fuck? Whose here?"

"My Lord, it is your parents and brother."

His eyes grew wide. The vodka bottle fell out of his hand and slowly rolled off the edge of the bed, where it shattered. The Klokateer's voice came thru again. "My Lords? I heard a crash. Are you two alright?"

"I...uh...Jesus..." Pickles tried to put a sentence together, but found that he could not.

Toki frowned down at him. "Why your family here, Pickle?"

"I...I dunno..." and he shook his head and swallowed. "No, I don't wanna see 'dem! Make 'em go away!"

"My Lords, they insist that they see you! They're coming up the stairs right now..."

Toki looked around wildly. "Whose ams coming up? Pickle? Pickle, ams you okay?"

The drummer had closed his mouth and his eyes were wide. He could say nothing as there came more heavy knocking at the door then, "Hey, hey, Pickles? It's Seth, don't you remember me? Come on out so me and ma and dad can have a look at your sorry fuckin' ass."

"Toki," he whispered, grabbing the other man by his shirt and pulling him down, "Toki, look, I dunno why they're here, but they found out about us, I know it."

"What that mean?"

"It means that no matter what they say—I mean no matter what—you gotta ignore 'em. We love each other, okay? You know that?"

He nodded and said worriedly, "Course I do, Pickle."

"You gonna remember that?"

"Course I a-"

The door burst open and Seth stepped inside, giving his brother one of his malicious half-smiles. "Ma, dad, it's true. Pickles is gay! He's in bed with another dude!"

In a few moments Pickles' parents were standing in the doorway as well, looking solemn. Upon seeing his brother there, with Toki perched above him, biting his lip, Seth began laughing. "Oh, holy shit. I can't fucking believe this..."

Pickles laughed awkwardly and nudged Toki to the side. "Uh...hey, my _dear family. _How are you doin' here in my room, totally uninvited?" he said this thru gritted teeth. Toki rolled off of him and began combing his fingers through his hair, in an effort to smooth it out and tame it.

He could feel the eyes of Pickles' parents boring into him as he said, "Hellos, Pickle parentses. It ams nice to see you again."

"Huh, yeah," Seth said, walking over to him and shaking his hand. "And what was your name again? Ski-elf or something?"

"Nos, it ams Toki."

He struggled to hold in laughter as he nodded and repeated, "Yeah, right. _Toki. _Toki Wartooth."

Pickles' mother let out a scoff and said loudly, "Dear, couldn't you have done better? I know you're suddenly gay and all of that good stuff, but the boy's not even from here."

His father nodded in agreement. "He can't even speak English."

_And people that can't speak English belong in a garbage can, too, right? _Pickles thought darkly as he glared at the both of them. "He is too speakin' English!"

Toki suddenly grabbed his hand and held it tightly. Pickles glanced over at him, his anger melting away. Toki was staring out the door, his pale blue eyes wide. His face had become expressionless. Pickles frowned and leaned over. He pushed him gently in a futile effort to get his attention.

"Toki? Hey, Toki? You alright?"

All he said in a dull, mono toned voice was, "My familys ams here...they came..."

Behind Pickles' parents there were the two bleak outlines of Toki's mother and father. Pickles cursed. Tonight had indeed turned out to be special, but not in the way that he would have liked.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 1, Part 3**

_**Family Reunion **_

Pickles' parents—mainly Seth, who was getting a good laugh out of all of this—nearly dragged their son and Toki downstairs and into the kitchen, where the Klokateers had already brewed some coffee. Nathan, Skwisgaar, and Murderface sat at the table, looking tired but anxious.

As soon as Toki entered the room, a small smile spread over Skwisgaar's face. _Perfect. _Next to him Nathan cleared his throat and took a sip from his cup of black coffee. Murderface just sighed tirdley. "Why did you guysh wake me up?"

"We didn't, dickface," Nathan growled. "you just came downstairs and invited yourself."

"Well, ain't that funny? Everyone in the whole god damn world is inviting themselves to places where they're not wanted," Pickles said, glaring at his parents. He repeated, "Where they're not wanted."

"Hey; Pickles, Toki, you two should take a seat." Seth said.

This made the drummer scoff. "You're inviting _me _and my boyfrie-"

"Stap being gay," his mother snapped, slapping him sharply on the shoulder. Pickles recoiled and grimaced.

"Ow! Ma, don't hit people! Anyways, you're inviting _us _to sit down in _our own _house?"

His brother shrugged and said nonchalantly, "Yeah, sure, I guess so. Fuck, you sure do think into stuff, like, oh, say, bein' gay..."

"Stap sayin' that! Those things don't even have anything to do with each other!"

"But it's true!"

"Fuck you!" was all that Pickles could think to exclaim as he plopped down in his chair and crossed his arms.

As soon as he said this, Seth turned to his mother and whined, "Hey, Ma, he just fuckin' cursed me out. I mean, fuck, ain't you gonna do a fuckin' thing about that?"

She slapped Pickles' shoulder again and scolded, "Don't yell at your brother."

"Fine, just stap hitting me!"

Over in his chair, Skwisgaar chuckled and mumbled, "Ha, he says 'stap' instead of stops..."

"You shut up!" Pickles snapped. Nathan glared over at him.

"Whoa, hey, don't yell at Skwisgaar just because you're parents know you're fucking another guy."

Pickles' father shuttered at this and repeated, "Fucking another guy? Sick..." and he turned to his wife and asked, "Is this how we raised him? Didn't you ever give him _that __talk?_"

Pickles let out a loud yell and pressed his hands to his ears. "Oh, Gad, stap talkin' about givin' me talks an' everything!"

His mother ignored him and said, "No, no, _I_ gave him the sex talk. You were supposed to give him the other one, dear."

"Which one?"

"The one about how little boys are supposed to love little girls, not other little bo-"

"Fuckin' parents talkin' about sex and me in the same sentence...please, someone kill me! "[2] Pickles begged, letting his head fall against the table. Seth began laughing madly and went to sit next to Toki, who was still quietly staring off into space, oblivious to everything and everyone around him.

"So, hey, Toki? You wanna fuckin' talk for a sec?" he said nothing, so Seth continued, "Okay, great. Hey, look, I was just wondering...I mean, what is it like? Being a fuckin' queer-assed fag? Do get, like, a kick outta fuckin' my brother or something?"

Pickles felt his face grow red. His mother saw this as well and slapped him again. "Don't blush like that! It makes you look like a tamato!"

"Stap hitting me!" He yelled as he got up and went over to Seth. He grabbed his brother by his throat and asked in a deadly voice, "What the fuck are you askin' him? Somethin' about fuckin' me?"

"Relax, man, I was just trying to get to know the guy, that's all."

"You stupid, fucking idiot! I'll kill you!" just as he really began to do it, Toki's hand shot out and stopped him. Pickles looked over at him. He still looked scared—downright terrified of his parents—but there was also something else now.

He stared up at Pickles lovingly and said, "Don'ts dos it. It's fine, reallys."

Pickles released his brother and pulled his chair up next to Toki. Without shame he rested his hand on his thigh and allowed the Norwegian's head fall on his shoulder. "I ams tired, Pickle."

"Yeah, me too. Just go to sleep."

He didn't know why. He couldn't explain it. Toki had always just made him feel calmer, more collected. He sighed then, and took a drink of coffee. Everyone in the room grew silent at this display. Toki's parents glared ominously at their son. His mother clasped a rosary tightly in her right hand, against her heart. His father just shook his head and sat down as well, next to Skwisgaar, who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Toki nudged Pickles a little and gave him a little kiss on the cheek, sighing deeply. It all seemed quite peaceful for a moment before Seth let out the exclamation of, "Ugh, gross! They kissed!"

And Pickles' mother ripped the two apart and warned, "Son, don't kiss other boys. It's rude." just to get her point across, she slapped him roughly on the shoulder again, and this time she did the same to Toki, who frowned.

"Ow. Pickle, your mom hits me."

"I know, Toki, I know," he growled, glaring up at his mother. Just to annoy her, he scooted his chair even closer to Toki and grinned. "Stupid motherfucking parents..."

"Son, do you know what happens to gay people like you?" Pickles' dad broke in, staring at Toki. The Norwegian shook his head.

"What happen?"

"They go to a very bad place called Hell where they-"

He shrugged and said simply, "I don'ts care where I gos, as long as Pickle with me. Besides, I don'ts believes that Bible stuff anyway."

Pickles' parents gasped, along with Toiki's. The drummer smiled. "Yeah, and neither do I, so why don't you all just-"

"But do you know what happens in Hell?" his father persisted. It seemed as though he were positivley determined to strike fear into the Norwegian.

Once again, Toki shook his head and said in utter disinterest, "Nos, but I guess yous am going to tell me."

"If you go to Hell you'll never see Pickles again, and he'll never see you again."

Now his pale blue eyes grew wide. He glanced at Pickles and pulled at his shirt, asking, "Is that true? Does that really happens?"

"Course it dosen-"

"Does." Pickles' mother interjected. "It happened to Hitler, so I can happen to you."

"But...but...moms? Dad, ams this true?" Toki asked, turning to his parents, who nodded gravely.

"Yes, but that's why we're here, dear. To make you _better, _and after we do, your parents have arranged for you to move back to Norway with them."

Pickles' mouth fell open. He sputtered "N-Norway?"

His mother nodded and continued brightly, "Yes. It's only practical, son." and at the shocked, lost look on Pickles' face she added, "And they've already arranged for him to marry a nice little Norwegian girl."

To this, Skwisgaar let out a yell of, "A girls? Whats the fu-"

"Hey, that'sh no fair!" Murderface interjected. "I wanna get married to a Norwegian girl too!" 

Nathan rolled his eyes at this and said in an oddly calm manner, "Listen, Mr. and Mrs...ugh...Pickles, we called you here to-"

Suddenly Pickles came back to life. He glared over at Nathan and asked, "You called them? What the fuck? Why would you do 'dat to me? Why would you do 'dis?"

"-just break them up, not to make Toki move back to Norway."

Toki frowned, an obvious look of confusion on his face. "I don'ts understand..."

"You ain't got to. In fact, you don't have to do anything. Come on," and Pickles rose from his chair, took Toki's hand, and pulled him to his feet. Seth's smile faded as Pickles and Toki turned and began walking out the room.

"Wait, where are you two goin'?"

"To bed," Pickles called back. "Toki's tired and we're not interrupting our whole lives for you dildos." he slammed the door.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 1, Part 3**

_**Yopo**_

"Pickle, I can'ts...I don'ts..."

"Ssh," he said as he guided a trembling Toki over to the bed and sat him down. "It ain't nothing, okay?"

"But my parents..."

"Yeah, I know. They suck."

Toki looked up at him, his mouth twisted downwards in a little frown. "They want to take me back to Lillehammer?"

"Yeah, they do."

"What ifs I don't want to go?"

"That's good, cause I don't wanna let you."

There was a moment of silence before Toki asked in amazement, "You would _let _me go?"

Pickles shrugged. "Yeah, sure, I mean, if it would make you happy. If it was something that you _wanted _to do then-"

"But I don't wants to."

"Then I won't let them take you."

"Oh." he looked down, his face expressionless.

Pickles smiled a little. What had they been doing earlier, before all of this madness? Oh yeah, they had been about to—the surprise! He remembered! _Guess it's as good a time as any,_ he thought as he went over to the nightstand, opened the little drawer, and pulled out a little plastic bag of yellow dust. Toki watched him with brow arched.

"Pickle what ams you-"

"I got a surprise for ya," he said as he threw the bag on the bed and sat next to him. "Do you remember when we were in the Amazon? You and Skwisgaar had that little 'stop copies' me game?"

Toki nodded. "Yeahs, and he still dos it—he still copies me all the times!"

Pickles chuckled. "Yeah, and the natives, they had that stuff that they shot at us called Yopo?"

Toki's eyes darted back over to the bag and a little smile spread across his face. "Pickle, how ams you get it?"

"Don't worry about 'dat." he said as he reached over and opened up the Ziploc. "Just worry about this; I wanna start a brand new game with you, kinda like you and Skwisgaar's game...only better."

"Pickle, what ams you-"

"Here." he sprinkled some of the fine yellow dust into his hand and presented it grandly to Toki. "Just sniff it."

Toki bit his lip nervously. "You sure this will work?"

"Sure. I guess it's just like takin' cocaine, only better. Trippier. Here," he held it under his own nose. "You want me to do it-"

"Nos, wait!" Toki reached into the bag for himself and deposited the Yopo into the palm of his hand. He held it out for Pickles and said, "You from me and Is from you."

Pickles nodded and watched as Toki bowed his head. His nose brushed against the palm of his hand as the Norwegian sniffed in deeply. When he sat back up, there was a fine, yellow powder on the outside of his nose. Pickles gently wiped it off with his hand before asking, "You feel it yet?"

Toki nodded. His pupils were already so dilated that the once placid blue was a deep, threatening black. He held out his hand to Pickles. "Sniff."

And he did, feeling the rush of the Yopo as it entered him and rocked through his senses. Then he exhaled and looked back up at Toki. Both of them seemed amazed at what was happening—colors were twisting, their own breath could be seen as they breathed out...every nerve was tingling, and their bodies seemed magnetically attracted to one another; in a second they had begun kissing, hugging, feeling. Soon they were trapped in a hopeless tomb of bedsheets and pillows, each struggling to have more of the other. Somehow it was terrifying, wanting this much of someone...

But they could not pull away.

They could never let each other go, for fear that if they did somehow the other would be lost. And that night, despite whatever had happened before, they had the best sex they had ever had.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

****A/N****

_[2] Cause sometime in our lives, our parents have_

_embarrassed us THAT much._


	8. Chapter II

**Chapter 2, Part 1**

_**Good Morning**_

"Ugh...Pickle?" Toki groaned as he rolled over and scratched his head. He felt shaky, cold. Why, he didn't know. All he knew was something about a new game...

"Yeah? What is it?" Pickles asked in a tired voice as he rolled over and faced Toki. His hair was undone, wild. "Ya sick?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Oh. Okay, 'den. I guess it _was _a good night," and he closed his eyes and stretched before letting out a large lawn.

Golden sunlight was filtering in from the closed curtains of the room, reminding both of them of just how late in the day it was. Toki glanced over at the clock that hung above the bed and groaned; he sank deeper into the covers and shielded his eyes with his hand.

"Wha's wrong?" Pickles asked as he scooted a little closer to him.

"It so early!"

He looked up at the ticking clock as well and frowned. "Toki, it's one in the afternoon."

"Too early," he repeated.

Pickles chuckled. "Yeah, maybe it is."

There was a long pause before, "Was our parents really here lasts night?"

"Yeah, they was."

Toki let out another groan and pulled the covers up over his head. "I don't wants to go seem thems again. Couldn't we just kick them outs?"

"I guess we could, but they'd just come back," Pickles answered as he scratched at his eyes. "God, I'm tired. What did we do last night?"

"What we dos every night."

"Then how come I can't remember it that well?"

Toki's head popped out from under the covers. He still had the faintest traces of the Yopo on his nose. "I don'ts know, but I thinks it was pretty amazing."

"Yeah," he agreed. He remembered it faintly. _Very faintly._ He remembered Toki doing all sorts of crazy things...nice things, but things he would never have thought to do—or had the courage to do—in a million years...Yes, the Yopo game would have to be repeated several times.

"You sure ams smiling a lot, Pickle," Toki said, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"I was thinkin'." he said simply. "Just thinkin'."

"Abouts what?" Toki asked as he came a little closer to him. Pickles grinned and wrapped his arms around him, realizing for the first time that he—along with Toki—were still naked. It didn't make much of a difference, though, but the warm feeling of Toki's body was a welcome one.

"About you."

"Oh, ja." and then he sighed. "Pickle, do we haves to get up? Really do we?"

He thought about it for a minute then shook his head. "Nah, not if you don't want to."

"Oh, goods! Cause I really don't!" and with that, Toki snuggled a little more into Pickles' arms, closed his eyes, and smiled. "I ams tired."

"Then go to sleep."

"You don'ts mind? It's one in the afternoo-"

"Goodnight, my Toki."

The words felt a little strange leaving his tongue. Never before had he actually proclaimed Toki as 'his', but the Norwegian didn't mind it. In fact, he almost seemed pleased with it as he let out a content sigh and smiled. Pickles swallowed. He wasn't as cold as he had been when he had first woken up, and the trembling had subsided. He felt normal again, and he knew Toki did to. The guitarist's body hard relaxed, and in a few minutes all that could be heard in the room was the slow, steady breathing that signaled that Toki had found sleep.

This was an overall warm feeling, between the golden sunlight, the heaps of covers, and Toki. It was enough to slowly urge Pickles' eyes closed and for him to drift off back to sleep...

Then there came a loud ganging and Seth's voice. "Hey, Pickles, bro, mind spottin' me a quick hundred or so so me and Toki can—oh, look, there he is. I'll just ask him."

Pickles' eyes shot open. He reached blindly to pull the covers up more, to try and conceal Toki's bare shoulders. "Whadda doin' just comin' into people's rooms like 'dat?"

"I wanted to borrow some money and take Toki out."

"Take him out?" he repeated. "Why would you wanna do that?"

Seth shrugged as walked over to Toki. "I dunno, just to talk about stuff. Ya know, just spend some time with the kid. Jesus, you sure are paranoid about him." he put his hand on the still half-asleep Norwegian and shook him. "Hey, wake up, kid! Wake uuuuuuuuuuuuuuppp!"

Pickles lashed out and pushed him away, still trying to hide the fact that he was naked. "Get away from him! He's tired, so just fuck aff!"

Seth backed away a little and chuckled. "Hey, Pickles, man, relax. You don't have to get all crazy-possessive-jealous on me, okay? I mean, God, I know you learned everything you know about romance from me, but try to calm down."

Toki let out tired little moan and looked up. "Pickle, why ams your brother in here?"

"Oh, good, you're awake." Seth glared at Pickles. "See? I told you that he was awake!"

"No you didn't!"

He ignored him and turned to Toki, who was hugging his bare torso in an effort to hide himself. "Hey, my man Toki Wartooth! How'd you like to go out to dinner? Huh? It's on me."

He arched a brow and looked to Pickles for help. The drummer shrugged. "Do what you want. I ain't makin' your decisions for you."

"But I don't wants t-"

"Okay, great! See ya later!"

Toki frowned as Pickles began looking for his wallet amidst the junk that covered the nightstand. "What? But its ams one in the-"

"Thanks, bro," Seth said as he snatched the only hundred dollar bill out of his brother's wallet. He pocketed it and walked out the room, smiling broadly. He didn't even bother to close the door.

Once he had left Toki frowned a little and asked, "Pickle, why you give him money? I didn't wants to go with him."

"Oh, sorry. I thought you did."

"Why would you thinks tha-"

Suddenly there came yet another knock at the door. Toki and Pickles turned to face Mr. and Mrs. Wartooth. Both of them noted their son with mixtures of pity and scorn. Upon seeing them there, hovering in the doorway, Pickles chuckled awkwardly and elbowed Toki a little.

"Go deal with them for me?"

"Whys to I gots to-"

"Cause 'dey don't even speak English!"

Toki glared at him and snapped, "So whats? That ams no excuse!"

"Toki, please?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fines," and then said something in Norwegian. He didn't even look into his parent's faces as he spoke to them, only down at his hands. He began picking his nails as his mother talked back, her voice—even to Pickles' ear—sounding stern and harsh.

Finally Toki turned back to him and said, "They wants to spends time with you."

Pickles cursed. "Why would 'dey wanna do 'dat?"

"Cause they wants to get to knows you."

"But wh-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, Toki had resumed talking to his parents again. When he was done, they made the sign of the cross across their hearts, bowed their heads, then exited the room. Pickles sighed. This was going to be a long rest of the day.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 2, Part 1**

_**Disobedience For Good Luck**_

A few hours later, Pickles was staring at himself in the full-length mirror that leaned against a wall in his room. A deep frown was on his face. "Why haven't we ever used this before?"

Toki, who was brushing his hair madly, trying to get it to behave, arched a brow. "What ams could we possibly be doings with a mirror, Pickle? That's rid-him-smacules."

"Don't you mean ridiculous?"

"That's what I said."

"Well, anyway, we could use it for _something..." _his voice trailed off, and Toki's face grew red at the suggestion.

"You mean watch our self haves-"

"Well, whadda think?" Pickles interrupted. "Do I look presentable?"

Toki got up, walked over to him, and looked him up and down. "Ain'ts you got any shirt with sleeves not cuts off?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

"Well, I guess that will have to do." and he scratched at his cheek and asked nervously, "Ams you scared?"

"Course I ain't," he answered, shaking his head. "I'm sure as hell nervous, but I ain't scared."

"Oh." he looked down before resumed brushing his hair. Pickles frowned at this, took the brush from him, and threw it to the side.

"You don't need that."

Toki shrugged. "Just tryings to looks nice."

"You _always _look nice."

"Oh, okays," he responded before turning and going back over to the bed. He sat on the floor, grabbed his boots, and put them on. Pickles watched him do this with an odd look on his face. Toki was tense—he could feel it.

"Hey, Toki?"

"Ja?"

"_You're _not scared, are you?"

He said nothing and continued lacing up his boots. Pickles let out an audible sigh and went over to him. He gently laid his hand on his shoulder, making the other man jump and look up, his eyes wide. "You're not scared, are you?" he repeated.

Toki swallowed and shook his head, saying numbly, "Na-ah."

But Pickles could tell that he was, so he leaned down, kissed him, then sat next to him. He let his head rest on his hand and watched as Toki laced up his boots. He _tried _toanyway, but his hands were shaking so badly that he couldn't even lace them up right. Pickles said nothing, though, not until Toki let out a frustrated cry and threw off his boots.

"Why're you so scared?"

"Cause Seth...he ams not good, Pickle..."

"He scares you?" he asked this with a chuckle. "Why would my douche bag brother scare you?"

Toki shrugged. He was so frustrated and scared at his eyes were tearing up. His voice was cracking very badly as he sputtered, "I...I don'ts...I just...I don't wants them here...my parents or yours..."

"I know."

"No," he insisted. "You don'ts, cause my fathers—he did bad things. _Bad _things..."

"Both our families are bad, but listen. After we let them fuck around with us once, they're gone. Once they realize that we're serious, then they'll leave and it'll just be us again." Pickles promised, leaning against Toki. "It's gonna get better."

Toki stared back at him and sniffled. "Okays, ja. It will, but look, you need something before you go see my parentses."

"What's that?"

He watched as the Norwegian got up and began rooting through his things that were all strewn on the floor. He threw shirts, pants, and underwear to the side—both his and Pickles—in search of what he was looking for. Ever since their first night together, Toki had moved into the drummer's room. It had been an exhausting process, moving all of his plane models and other childish remnants into his room, but in the end, Pickles couldn't imagine life without the Norwegian with him every night. Now he couldn't even begin to remember what it had been like to sleep without little Toki in his room...he could just picture it as being very empty.

"You lookin' for your bear?" Pickles called. "Cause last I saw, it was over on your side of the be-"

"Nos, I alreadys says goodnights to him; he still there."

"Oh."

Yes, Toki's little teddy bear was something that he took with grave seriousness. Pickles didn't even like to touch the stuffed animal—Toki could get to be very protective of it.

There was a moment of silence before Toki let out an triumphant, "Yes! I founds it!" and he came hurrying back over to Pickles, a big smile on his face, and pressed something into his hand. "Heres," he said. "For good luck."

Pickles opened his hand and frowned. A small charm attached to a winding string sat in his palm. It was a simple one, carved out of what appeared to be wood. Trying not to seem rude, he asked, "Uh...what the hell is this?"

"Well," he answered, plopping down next to him, "back home in Norway, there was a months when the snow would starts to let up and the sun would melts almost all of its away. It would leave nothings but mud. At the last day of the months, if the kids was good and done whatever thems parents asked of them and didn't gets dirty and play in the mud, they woulds gets something nice." and he grinned brightly.

Pickles smiled back and ran his fingers along the crude little wooden charm. "Oh, I get it. So this is what you got for bein' a good kid?"

He shook his head. "No, it's not. All the bad kids woulds get a rock or a piece of woods carved with that sign on its or whatevers..."

"Oh," he frowned. "What does the symbol mean?"

"Norwegian symbol for disobedience."

He laughed a little at this. "And you got this every year? This was your present from your parents?"

Toki nodded. "Ja, only time in my lifes when they gives me somethings...other than my birthday, when they just gives me stupid book called _Bible."_

"You're kidding!" Pickles exclaimed as his hand closed over the wooden symbol. "My folks used to try and throw bibles at me for Christmas! Every year they'd give me one and you know what I'd do with it?"

"What you do with it?"

"I'd gut it out to hide weed or coke in it." they both began laughing. "Yeah," Pickles continued, "that would make my year..."

Once the laughter had subsided, Toki's smile faded a little. "You knows something? I ain't that scared no more."

"That's good," Pickles said, putting the wooden charm in his pocket. "cause neither am I."

"Ja..." and Toki's voice trailed off as he put some of his hair behind his ears. He hugged his knees to him tightly. Finally he asked, "Hey, Pickle?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you thinks I ams bad?"

He stared at him oddly. "Whadda mean?"

"Oh, you knows, just bad. Like if yous had to get me gift-"

"I'd get you the best fuckin' thing ever."

"-okays, but what if you was my dad..."

"Toki, this is a weird conversation," Pickles said, trying not to smile. Toki just didn't get it, though. He was too innocent.

"...woulds you kicks me out and make me go away?"

"Away from where?"

"Home?"

He opened his mouth, but found that no words would come. Finally he forced out the words, "Toki, listen to me, I know that your parents were just really bad to you. It pisses me off, but I have to go and have dinner with them, okay? I have to-"

"That's not that I'm worried about, really."

"Then what?"

He looked down and bit his lip. His face had become a chalky white, totally drained of any color. He really was terrified. "Pickle, whatever thems tell you—they can talk Anglish if they really, _really _wants to—but just don't believe them. I ain'ts as bad as they say."

"I...uh...okay, but I don't get what-"

"I ams not bad."

He forced himself to smile. In reality, he felt sick. What had Toki really done to make his parents hate him so much? Or better yet, what had they done to him?

Then a knock came at the door, followed by a Klokateer saying, "My Lords, your families are awaiting your presence downstairs; they are ready for dinner."

" 'Kay, we're comin'!" Pickles called back before he dug the little wooden charm out his pocket, strung it around his neck, and tucked it in his shirt.

"I hopes it makes you get good luck," Toki said. "I know I'lls need it."

Pickles helped him to his feet and gave him one last, tight hug before administering a little kiss on the top of his head. Toki was a little taller than him, so he had to step up a little, but he didn't mind. "You ready?"

"Not reallys."

He gave him one of his characteristic half-smiles and took his hand. They walked out the room together in silence, enjoying the last few moments they had together.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 2, Part 3**

_**The Truth About Angels**_

After saying goodbye, Toki went over and joined Seth and his parents, who stood at the far right of the room. Pickles' mother and father pursed their lips as the Norwegian's walked up to them, his shy little smile on his face. Seth, however, opened his arms wide and gave him a rough hug, slapping him on the shoulder many times.

"Ah-hey, Toki! Glad you could come, man! Glad the first fastest guitarist in the world could come with us to fuckin' lunch! Fuck! Ma, Dad, can you believe this kid?" he asked, laughing a little.

Toki turned red and shook his head. "Second fastestest."

Seth chuckled. "Right...anyway, let's get goin'." he grabbed Toki by his arm and began to lead him out the door, but not before he glanced back at Pickles' parents.

"But what abouts your mothers and father? They ams not coming?"

"Course they ain't! It's just you and me today, man!"

He sighed and glared up at the sky, silently cursing God—if there may be one. "Ja, great."

Seth drove him to a nice little restaurant, where he proceeded to order Toki a hamburger. Unfortunately, though, this only reminded the guitarist of one thing—hamburger time—so, he didn't eat much of it, only a few bites. He found that even if he would've been hungry, he couldn't have eaten, not with Seth staring at him in the way he did. Finally, when he couldn't stand it any longer, he said, "Coulds you please not stare at me while I eat?"

"But you ain't eatin'."

"Sos? Just don't stare, please."

"Fine, fine. Whatever...jeez, you ain't gotta be a fuckin' dick about it, man..."

Toki swallowed the mouthful of Cola that he had been drinking—he had declined a beer, which is what Seth had ordered—and began rapping his fingers on the table. Seth continued to stare at him until finally he admitted, "I just don't get it, I really don't."

"Don't get whats?"

"Why you're...ya know..."

Toki's mouth twisted into a frown. He had somehow known deep inside that this subject would come up. He had tried to mentally prepare himself for it, but now all that seemed stupid as he inquired, "You ams wondering why I ams gay?"

Seth's eyes grew wide and he shook his head quickly. "No way, I just don't understand why you're doing this if you really love my brother as much as you say you do."

"I...wait, whats?" he asked, arching a brow. He took another drink before adding, "What ams I doing?"

"Nothing, it's just..." Seth let out a sigh, ran his hand thru his hair, and looked down. "Ah, Jesus. I shoulda known this wasn't a good idea...that stupid Swedish guy told me so, but I-"

"What Skwisgaar tell you?"

Seth took a long sip from his mug of beer before saying, "He didn't have to say anything. It's so plain to see, what you're doing to _Dethklok..."_

"WHAT AMS I DOINGS TO _DETHKLOK?"_

The severe loudness of his voice surprised even Toki. As soon as he had yelled, he bit his lip, sunk down in his seat, and let his hair fall in his face. Hopefully nobody could see just how red he was turning as everyone in the restaurant turned to stare at him...

"Listen, I'm only saying cause I actually have, ya know, fuckin' business shit goin' on with _Dethklok, _but dude, I gotta be fuckin' honest—you're ripping the band apart." and the questioning look on Toki's face, he continued, "Sorry, but I can't fuckin' hold it in no more. You, and the way you hold on to my brother...I know it ain't none of my fuckin' business, but look, kid, you've got to understand that what you're doing to him, tying him down to another _guy, _is just plain selfish."

"But...but he say he love me."

"He does, I guess. I won't fuckin' deny that, but the way it's making everyone else so..." he shuttered and said quietly, "...if you really cared about him, you would just leave him. Think about it."

Toki's hands began shaking. He was nearly crying as he asked, "Whys should I do that? He always said that wes were made for each oth-"

"You know there are these things," Seth broke in. "There are these things; when you die, you know what happens? If you really love someone, you become they're guardian angel, and you protect them from all the bad shit in life. Or, at least, that's what happens to people who _really, really _love someone..." he let his voice trail off and watched as a look of understanding came over Toki's face.

"So you ams saying that I ams like Pickle..._angel? _Cause that's kind of gay. I wants to be something cool, like a demons or something."

"You mean you wanna curse him?" Seth asked. Toki quickly shook his head.

"Nos, no, I just mean that-"

"Cause that's what you're doing now. Come on, use your fuckin' brain, man. Pickles doesn't wanna take care of you forever."

"But he say that he loves me, and that's what love is, isn't it?"

Seth laughed and shook his head. "Damn, you must be fuckin' with him a lot to get him to say he loves you! Fuck, I ain't never heard something so stupid in my whole life."

Toki frowned. Could what Seth was saying be true? After all, who knew Pickles better than his own brother? "But he say...he says..."

"Please, he's a fuckin' liar, always was. He doesn't love anything that doesn't have to do with himself. Use your brain! Think about it!"

A heavy silence followed his words, one where Toki looked down and bit his lip...

_Pickle don'ts wants to do that, to takes care of me forever...he loves me but is it selfish to bes with him? Maybes he really don't love me at all, maybe he just likes me cause we haves sex so much..._

"Hey, Toki, you ready to fuckin' get outta here?"

"Huh?" he looked up and said quietly, "Ja, sure."

_...not like Pickle ams missing me right now anyways._


	9. Chapter III

**Chapter 3, Part 1**

_**Rooftop Nightmares**_

Toki stepped back in Pickles' room at the late hour of eight o'clock, that night. Seth had kept him out late, hitting club after club, getting drunker and drunker until Toki, out of fear of his own life, had to drive them home. As if this hadn't terrified him enough, he still hadn't acquired his driver's license yet. It had been suspended a while ago, after he and Skwisgaar had crashed trying to outrun what the Swede called, 'Thems stupids pigs'.

Now, though, Toki drug himself back over to the bed and fell onto its forgiving mattress. Pickles was staring at him, scratching his arm and not knowing what to say. Toki let out a tired groan and, not even bothering to take off his boots, crawled underneath the covers.

"How'd it—"

"I don't wants to..." his voice broke and he had to work hard to make himself say, "...talks about it."

Pickles dared to say quietly, "Oh. Okay."

A long, heavy moment of silence passed before Toki asked bluntly, "Pickle, you love me?"

He stared at him and nodded firmly. "Course I do."

"Uh-huh." and he stared up at the ceiling. Pickles frowned and reached for his hand, but Toki pulled away and itched at his tired eyes.

"Hey, Toki, what exactly did you and my brother-"

"I just saids I don't wants to talk about it, please."

"Oh...cause your parents didn't really talk at all about you, if that's why your worried about. They didn't say nothing."

"Didn't figure they woulds."

He nodded. "Okay. Well, are you tired?"

"Ja," Toki said, turning to face him. "I ams."

"Me too."

"Um-hm. So you don'ts wans to...you know..."

Pickles arched brow. "Don't wanna what?"

"Haves sex?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Nah, not really...I mean, yeah, sure, but you've been really tired today, so maybe we should just-"

"What ifs I said I would never fucks you again? Would you still love me?"

"Uh...yeah, duh. Come on, don't be a dick, be a dude. Of _course _I would still love you. And by the way, I said this before—it ain't _fucking, _it's making love." and his smile began to fade. "Why? Who said I wouldn't?"

"Nobodys, it's just...I don't know whats to do no more..." his voice trailed off.

He was totally frustrated with himself, with the world. What kind of place was he living in where he couldn't tell real love from fake love? Where fucking was just a substitute for any kind of real affection? Seth's words had sunk in, and cut him deeply. Everything that he once thought was now horribly muddled and confused...he was just little Toki Wartooth, the guy who was sometimes made a bitch by Skwisgaar Skwigelf and taken advantage of by Nathan Explosion.

And Pickles? He really didn't know what he felt about him. He knew that he loved him, he loved him so much that it seemed impossible, but did Pickles love him? He didn't know anymore.

"...I thinks that...I thinks that I needs to go to bed." and without another word, he leaned over and gave Pickles one last kiss on the lips. "Night, Pickle. Loves you."

And then he rolled over, hugged his teddy to him, and held his breath until Pickles' response filled the silence. "I love you too, Toki. A lot. Good night."

_No, I don'ts thinks that you do, _he thought to himself before closing his teary eyes and going to sleep. _I don'ts thinks you do..._

Eventually, they both drifted off into a deep sleep. Pickles only awoke once, after he had had a disturbingly lifelike dream...

He was standing high up. So high up that it was hard to breathe...there was nobody, nobody but him. He was alone. He was scared. Above all, he felt empty...empty..._empty. _Empty?

Yes, it was the same kind of empty feeling that he had always imagined he had been filled with before Toki...it was a vast, unreal emptiness in some part of him that he couldn't identify. It hurt. It hurt so badly that he barley felt the chilling, biting wind as it froze his skin. It hurt him so much that he didn't notice that where he was standing on was a ledge, a crumbling, aged ledge that was on top a high roof...

It hurt so much that he didn't notice the tears that had begun to make their way slowly down his face, and he didn't notice a soft voice as it whispered to him in the middle of this horrible wretchedness.

_Goodbyes, Pickle. Loves you._

He thought he felt something, a brush of something warm, but in an instant he was sure he imagined it as he heard something creak...

"Hmm..."

Something creaking...

"...ugh..."

...the door?

"Toki?"

Had someone come in?

"T-Toki?"

Or gone out?

Blindly, Pickles reached over, expecting to feel the warmth of Toki's shoulder or a strand of his long, brown hair. Instead, though he felt nothing but the covers of the bed. They were still warm, still showing a faint sign that Toki had even been there. As soon as Pickles felt the vacant spot, his eyes snapped open and he sat up.

"T-Toki?"

He was gone.

In the time span of one mere second, Pickles felt his heart stop then begin to race, skipping every other beat as his brain processed what was happening. All he could do was repeat mindlessly, "Toki? He's gone...he's really gone..."

Then he looked over. The door was still open ajar. Pickles swallowed and pulled on his shirt. What had he done? What had he said? What had Seth said? Where could he be? In Skwisgaar's room? Had the Swede managed to finally win him over?

As Pickles went and peered out the door, he couldn't help but think back to his dream. Back to, _Goodbyes, Pickle. Loves you..._

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 3, Part 2**

_**Lost**_

"Skwisgaar? Skwisgaar, open up, please!"

The Swede let out a tired groan and shifted stiffly in his bed. He had fallen asleep sitting upright, against his headboard, playing his Gibson. Pages of scratched-out songs and note sheets were in front of him and crumpled up. He sighed.

Had he managed to write down that solo that Nathan wanted? The constant scratch-outs and rips in the paper said no. He had used to practice with Toki, telling him what he needed to work on and playing the stop copies me game...

Now usually Toki was preoccupied with Pickles, doing all of his practicing with him...

Skwisgaar rubbed his eyes and gently stood his Gibson up against he wall. Pickles was calling thru the door, knocking frantically. "Please open up! _Please!"_

Skwisgaar scoffed as he itched at one of his bare feet. _What coulds that dildo want now? Shouldn't he bes in bed, fucking Toki?_

"He's gone, he ran away!"

The Swede felt his heart drop. Surely it couldn't be what he thought...

"Whose run away?" he asked as he stumbled to open the door. Pickles stood outside, his face red and his eyes shining far too brightly, sparkling in the dim light that came out of Skwisgaar's room.

"He—Toki! Is he with you?"

Skwisgaar shook his head and stretched, leaning heavily against the door frame, quite pleased with Pickles' sudden panic. It was all quite amusing. "Why he isn't with yous?"

"I don't...I can't..." suddenly all the amusement drained from Skwisgaar. Pickles was really worried—the most worried that he had ever seen him. He swallowed and his heart filled with cold, heavy fear.

"Pickle, where ammnest little Toki?"

He shook his head and sobbed, "I don't know! I can't find him! I just woke up and he had run aff!"

"Oh Gods, no..." his eyes darted down the hall. "...what happens to him?"

"I don't know!"

"Ammnest Nathans or Murderface know yets?"

Pickles shook his head. "No, but I gotta go look...I gotta go look on the roof!"

Skwisgaar's face gained a look of skepticism. He asked, puzzled, "The roofs? But why-"

"No time to explain!" he called as he backed away and started to run down the hall. "Go and look for him outside!" and his footsteps faded away as his figure faded into the darkness of the night.

Skwisgaar was left standing in his doorway, without shoes, his feet numb with cold, a brow raised. "So whats? So he went out on a walk? What ammnest the big deal? What ammnest..." his voice trailed off as he remembered the look Toki had had on his face after he had gotten home with Seth...

They had talked, really talked, for the first time in weeks...since they had had sex, probably...

"Hey, Tokis. How ammnest the-"

"Skwisgaar, what ams it mean if you love someone?"

"Huh?"

"Don't fucks with me and don't try to act like I'm not talkings; you've been ignoring me since that time we—"

"Please do not be reminding me of 'dat."

"Sorrys."

There had been an emptiness about him that Skwisgaar had never seen before...he had almost seemed sick. But with what?

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**Chapter 2, Part 1**

_**Divided**_

It was complete insanity. Pickles felt as though he were going crazy; he climbed so many stairs, never slowing down, never pausing to think just how much his lungs burned or how much his sides ached...no, just about Toki. Something bad had happened to him, or was about to happen, he knew it.

Never in his life had he thought that being away from Toki would be like _this. _It was as if he were scrambling in every direction, with no way to distinguish a clear path. He was completely lost in his own mistakes and memories...

Toki had been the one to first admit his love...

_["__Pickle, what would you say if I tolds you big secret?"_

"_Depends on what kind of secret we're talkin' about."_

"_The kinds were I tells you that I love you."_

"_Oh. Well that's easy, I'd say that I love you right back, cause I do."_

"_Honest?"_

"_Yep."_

"_You not lying?"_

"_Nope. Never."_

"_Then I thinks...I thinks that ams pretty good, huh?"_

"_Yeah, pretty damn good."]_

_..._he didn't know why, but he just knew he had to go to the roof of Mordhaus. There was only one way to get there. On the last floor of the house, there was a staircase tucked between a couple of old, tattered couches. It was rare that anyone ventured to the top floor. There just wasn't anything there of interest. Of course, on occasion he and Toki had been able to sneak up there by themselves just to look up and see the stars...sometimes they had even fucked around...yes, the two of them had made many good memories under that endless blanket of night sky.

"Toki?" he called as he finally managed to jump over the last stair. He felt the cool night breeze as he came into the outdoors, and with it carried the familiar scent of candy and cheap soda...Toki's scent.

He turned to his left and there he was, with his back facing Pickles and his hands twisting his hair as it blew wildly in the wind. Pickles sighed and went to meet him, saying softly, "Toki, what the fuck? Everyone is lookin' for you! You can't just run away like...Toki?"

The Norwegian didn't turn around. He didn't run up and hug Pickles like he usually did. His pale, blue eyes—which now seemed to be missing something vital, something that Pickles couldn't' identify—stared down at the ground that lay far below them. It was now that the drummer realized just how high up they were. It couldn't get any higher, and, he noted, Toki was standing precariously close to the edge of the roof...

"Toki, what're you-"

"I ams very confuseded."

"That's fine, but just here—let me help you—" he reached forward in an effort to try and guide Toki away from the edge. The guitarist recoiled from his touch and remained where he was, staring down.

"Wowee, we really high up..."

Suddenly Pickles' worry grew into full fledged fear. He made to take step nearer Toki, but he stepped farther out on the ledge, where it crumbled, sending a shower of dust below. Pickles swallowed. "Toki, get down from there. You could fall."

"Pickle, you know what Seth told me?"

What little light had been left in his heart sank. Seth. That idiot. What had he done to Toki? _His _Toki? "Seth is an idiot."

Toki ignored this and said, "He saids something that actually make sense—my parents hates me, so how could you love me?" he turned and stared into Pickles' eyes, which were now leaking tears, though the drummer didn't know it. "Everyones in the world hates me, so how coulds you ever loves me?"

"I...I...but I _do _love you!"

"How coulds anyone..." and he looked down, began rapping his fingers on his leg distractedly. "I only makes your life miserable, just fucks it up. I always fucks it all up. Maybe _Dethklok _woulds just be-"

"You do not fuck my life up! You're the fucking reason I get up every day and deal with the stupid, motherfucking world!" Pickles said.

"-better off without mes?"

A long silence followed his words. One in which Pickles nodded like he understood it all, and stepped up on the ledge as well. "You wanna see how much I love you? Well here-" he began walking, less than an inch away from the edge of the roof. Toki's eyes grew wide; he reached out, nearly losing his balance and falling himself. Pickles caught him, though, and steadied him. "-save me. Be _my _savior. I'm always the one savin' you, so this time you save me."

"I..."

"I'll fall." Pickles warned, teetering close to the edge. "I'll do it." Toki just stared at him, as if mesmerized, not knowing what to do. The drummer closed his eyes and took a step, fumbled and lost his balance. He was sure that was it. He was sure that Toki wouldn't be able to snap out of it, but he had thought that maybe, just maybe, he could make Toki come back to the real world and realize that Pickles loved him more than anything.

"Pickle! Don'ts fall!" Toki yelled in fear as he jumped forward and latched on to his wrist. He was sobbing now, his hair blowing and obscuring his face. "Don'ts go nowhere."

"Toki, do you know what you just done?"

He said with some difficulty, "I know you woulds have done the same for me."

"Then how could you ever think for one second that I don't love you? That the world doesn't need you?" Pickles asked, reaching for his hand. Toki let him take it this time, and he let Pickles wrap his arms around his waist and hug him tightly.

Toki stood stiffly in his arms, his chest rising and falling quickly. Pickles kissed his cheek and whispered, "Look, if anything were to happen to you...I don't know what would happen. I really just don't know what I'd do. It's a scary thing, really, the power you have over me. If anyone says anything or does anything to you, I go crazy; you jump, I jump..."

"Pickle, why ams you loves me?"

"Because you're you."

That was all Toki needed to hear. He relaxed in Pickles' arms and let his head fall back against his shoulder. "Pickle, I hurt."

"Where? Tell me so I can-" he let out a sharp gasp as he felt one of Toki's warm hands reach up and touch his cheek. "-fix it."

"Heart."

"Your heart hurts?"

Toki nodded, tears beginning to pour freely from the corners of his eyes. "Hurts a lot."

"I can fix it if you let me..."

"Fix me, Pickle, please."

He nodded. "Okay, Toki."

"Cause secretlys, I thinks that only you can."

And as Pickles looked down and looked into Toki's sad eyes, he realized something. This problem couldn't be fixed by sex, or Yopo, or kissing, or even another night alone with Skwisgaar. It was something above all of these things, these petty urges. Pickles swallowed and looked down. The ledge began crumbling again, but he didn't move. He couldn't move. He knew he wouldn't fall, not now. Instead he looked out at the sight before him.

He looked up at the endlessly starry sky and the moon, that was so full and unrightfully cheery. Toki looked out as well, his eyes half closed. Another gust of cool wind blew, making his hair fly wildly, ticking Pickles a little before he whispered in Toki's ear, "Come on, let's go."

He stepped off the ledge first, never letting go of Toki, then gently guided him down. Toki stumbled into his arms, his legs trembling. He was pale, still terrified at what he had almost done. "I'ms so tired..."

"It's fine," Pickles said as he picked him up. "Just go to sleep."

Toki put his arms around him and held him close. As they walked he let out a long sigh and whispered, "I hates this..."

"Huh?"

"What's I done...myself, for waking you up likes this..."

"I don't mind," he said.

Toki looked up. "You don'ts mind?"

Pickles shook his head. "Of course not."

"Oh. Well can I tells you secret, then?"

"Yeah."

"You ams like my guardian angel, I guess. I just wish I coulds be the same to you."

Pickles smiled a little at this innocent little statement. Toki was so beautiful and his own childish world of love that he just didn't understand—and would never understand—that he secretly made Pickles' heart melt. He made it melt like snow, once something so cold, made new. He really was his savior.

He was the one who fixed Pickles.

He was the only reason that Pickles didn't jump.

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

**E P I L O U G E**

**::Equilibrium::**

Three days later the families were kicked out, with the exception of Seth. Pickles had kept him around after his mother and father had left to give him his own personal goodbye.

"Hey, douche," Pickles had called to Seth as he picked up his bags. "Just chill out and come see for a minute. I wanna say bye."

Seth gave him a twisted smile. "What's wrong? Shouldn't you be upstairs fuckin' that stupid little-"

Before he could even get out the words, Pickles had walked right up to him and hit him as hard as he could. Seth went flying backwards, tripping and stumbling over his luggage, and crying, "Ma, Maaa! Pickles hit me! He-"

Pickles let out a yell and kicked him again in again, saying as he did so, "You stupid, motherfucking dildo!" and he stopped and took a few steps back, trying to catch his breath.

Seth was doubled over, hugging his sides, uttering wheezing little, "Fuck, fuck, fuck..."

The rest of _Dethklok _gathered around, watching with amused expressions. "Yeah, kill that motherfu-" Murderface began.

"Shut up!" Pickles said, glaring at him. Then he said to Seth, "If you ever, ever, _ever _come back here again..."

"Ma will be back at Christmas..." Seth said with a pained groan. He rolled over on the floor and stared up at his brother. "I'll be with her..."

"Get the fuck outta here, you piece of shit." Pickles spat. Then he did something he never thought he'd do—he actually turned and walked away from a fight. He walked away for only one reason; Toki was waiting for him upstairs.

He had been sleeping for two days straight now, and Pickles wanted to be there for him when he woke up. For some reason, the visit from his parents had totally drained him. So Pickles left Seth there, spitting up blood and cursing, and walked up the stairs that lead to his room. He didn't notice Skwisgaar following him.

Just before he reached his door, he heard a soft, "Hey, Pickle?"

Pickles jumped a little, surprised at the suddenness of the voice. He turned and gave Skwisgaar a little half-smile. They hadn't really talked since Toki had dumped him. "Yeah, hey, Skwisgaar."

He went to open the door, but the Swede cleared his throat and asked, "So...he's, you knows, in there?"

He nodded and chuckled awkwardly. "Uh...yeah, he is."

Skwisgaar nodded and looked down. "Uh. Ja, 'dat's good."

Pickles nodded yet again. All he could think to say was, "Yep. It's great, I guess."

"Ja...so he ammnest sleepings, or what?"

"Yeah, he has been for the past few days. Since, you know-"

"Since he tries to kill himself," Skwisgaar finished. "I knows. We all knows, and I guess...well, I needs to talks to you."

Pickles sighed. He _really _didn't feel like having his conversation, but obviously it was inevitable. It was obvious that Skwisgaar was about to tell him that he was the better match for Toki, that Pickles didn't deserve him...

"Okay, go ahead." he leaned against the door and crossed his arms. Skwisgaar ran a hand thru his blond hair, and for a second Pickles felt self conscious. He imagined what Toki and the Swede must've looked like that night they had fucked—perfect for each other. Both their hair the same length, both perfectly skinny. It was an odd, thought, how much they matched each other.

_Maybe he does deserve him more than me..._

"I wants to tells you how much I appreciates what you done. You know, saving hims life." Skwisgaar said, blinking. "I wouldn't have know whats to do."

"Well, it was just instinct, I guess."

"I guess that's why yous two belong together."

Pickles arched a brow. "I...uh..."

"I admits it," he said finally, "I can sees why he with you now. You two...it's like yous ammnest in sync with each other or somethings. It is somethings that we will never have, me and Toki, even though I loves him."

Pickles managed to smile. "Thanks," he said gratefully.

"Ja, well, I just wanted you to know 'dat. And alsos, once Toki gets better—you knows, in the next few days or so—I was wondering if me and hims could have guitar lesson?" Skwisgaar inquired. His eyes shined brightly as he asked, "If we coulds just, you know, talks again?"

"That's between you and him," Pickles answered. "But yeah, I think that'd be great. Then maybe we could, you know, get the band back together again. I mean _really _get together again, talkin' and stuff."

"Ja," he answered with a nod. "Buts really 'dat not such big deal. I means, when you thinks about it, we was never really 'together'. I ammnest always been about the money."

"Yeah," Pickles agreed, "I guess that used to be what it was about for me, too."

Skwisgaar smiled a little and stared down at him. His blue eyes met Pickles' and he said, "Ja, used to be what it was abouts for me too. 'Den something happened..."

"What?" Pickles asked, although he was certain he already knew the answer.

"Tokis happened."

And he grinned. "Yeah, Toki happened. Listen, Skwisgaar, I-"

"He ams not like other peoples, you know," the Swede broke in. "He changest peoples. Like me, I really don'ts cares about any of this no more; the guitar, the moneys, the girls...just takes care of him."

"I...will..."

"Good," Skwisgaar said as he turned and began walking away. "Cause he ams too special to haves to put up with any more crap. Sees you later, Pickle."

"Yeah," he said, opening the door to his room. "See ya."

**: :: :: :: :: :: :**

****A/N****

**That's it...**

**...hope you enjoyed it...**

**If you want me to love you forever, review it.**

**If you want more, sorry. I think this end should suffice.**


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